Daydawn is breaking

Grief has kept me from writing this long time. I have attempted many times but words cannot justify what I have been going through.

Since I have used the boat as my parable, I will continue the same. After Natalee passed away, my grief became so great I felt swallowed up in a ragging storm at sea. Just fighting the swells of emotions I had no time to relax or laugh or feel peace. I felt like I was put in the hull of the boat, where the trap door was opened to let me in then shut closed. No light was able to penetrate to give warmth or to see. Since I could not see, doubt, fear, and a loss of hope was playing on my mind and my heart. Reading JOB (Old Testament) after loosing your child has totally changed my perspective of the book. He felt the same feelings that I have been going through. My sorrows escalted at Natalee's 2 month mark, to where I felt so consumed with grief. Job lost his 10 children all in one day; uncomprehendable! In chapter 6 he said " my grief was heavier than the sand of the sea... for the arrows of the Almighty are within me, the poison drinketh up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me. 7:4 When I lie down..the light be gone and I am full of tossing's to and fro..the day spend without hope..Later he expressed a doubt in the resurrection and questioned that there was life after the body was laid in the ground.

The beauty and hope in Job, is he did find his way out. I have alway told myself I will not allow this to ruin my life. It is not as easy as I thought. Actually since I had a full year to prepare for Natalee's passing I thought it would lessen the blows, plus the last 7 weeks were so painful and difficult for her it was a sweet release. But all that didnt matter when she is so greatly missed. I felt robbed from my little girl. It is hard to understand and all reason and logic was on the other side of that door. Now almost 3 months I feel like the trap door has been opened and I can feel the suns warmth and it feels good. I have felt a peace these past two days that I was craving for. Will it stay I dont know but it gives me an understanding that my life will not alway be in the storm.

"For tis sorrow that works our pondering, and grief that teaches us to feel" (auther unknown)

As I sat at Natalee's grave site on Sunday, I felt a renewed hope in Christ and of the Resurrection. Because he was able to break the bands of death, He has given that as a gift to us all. When I was 6 years old, I lost a brother (he was 9), then in 2003 I lost another brother and a sister. I never questiond that they went to a peaceful place. With Natalee things changed, I have worried about her happiness on the other side. With all her sisters and brother and parents still here, all together, I thought how she must be feeling, robbed of the spearation of her family. How it must be harder on her than us. Even though she is with my 3 siblings and other loved ones. Worring about her well-being has troubled me so much that I have stayed down in that hole miserably. I finally realized that my fears and worries were natural because it is what mothers do 'worry about their childrens happiness and safety' Instead of fighting, I am learning to 'let go' and again trust in Gods word and his eternal plan.

I would like to share a scripture that helped me get on the right perspective and that she is happy. It is in the Book of Mormon Alma 40:11-12 "Now, concerning that state of the soul between death and resurrection - Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, weather they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life. 12, And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradises, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow. (vs. 13 doesnt give a good account for those that are wicked) Alma 40, Alma 41, Alma 42 are excellent read just google it.

The poet Sennaca said "The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity"

Do I have answers for the toubled soul to find peace? I think we all have to find our own course but this I know you cant do it alone. I think the thing that help jolt me was when my son Ryan and his wife were coming up for a week. I was forced to get out of my pit to get things going for when they came. The Gonzalez family (who we don't really know) kindly offered their beach house. So I was pulled out of the pit and was able to relax and enjoy all of my family. Yes I thought about Natalee and quietly cried. But I didnt feel so absorbed. I have alway read the scriptures and it is a fabric of my life, that I have continued to do. I was mad at God, so I told him that for a while I was going to guit talking with him. OK I still prayed every day but my heart was not there. I am no longer mad at him and it feels good to be back on speaking terms. One of my highlights is several weeks ago at Church I had 10 of Natalees friends come up and each gave me a hug. We all cried, it was so powerful, it is the closest I can get to hugging Natalee. I was talking with Hannah and Riley on Sunday and they shared how all of Natalee's friend have gotten together this summer to share stories about her. It warms my heart that she is not forgotten by others. This brings me peace.
I have taken the trellis with a photo, up to her grave site. We are not ready to put up a marker; it is too final.

two months

I thought after two months, life would get a little easier. The fact is it has become worse. The reality of my Natalee passing is starting to hit harder and has become more consuming. I feel like I am the main character in 'Alice in Wonderland' when she fell in the hole; at times I don't know what is up or down. Just when I think I am starting to settle, I am turned upside down and everything falls apart. There are days where I can't hardly function without crying and every little thing can set me off. The only thing I can say to myself is I am going to get over this. I know that we will come out on top and not let it destroy us. Kent and the girls still have hard days, this is not just a mothers journey.

It is hard for me to go places, since Natalee wasnt able to do much, the one thing she loved to do was go grocery shopping with me. I would put her behind the shopping cart in her wheel chair, hooking her foot into the cart, then pull both. So when I go shopping it grieves me to not be taking her along. So many things remind me of her that I am constantly being reminded of her.

One thing I am so grateful for is my daughters. They are all home for the summer and just having them around fills a void that I know would be there. We actually have 4 children in college now and one of my fears is being an empty nester 5 years before my time. So my daughter Janna has taken an deferment from BYU this fall to stay home with me. Honestly when she told me of her plan I felt a relief. In a way she is mommy sitting me. Last year I had two daughters at home, this year was a drastic change.

Good change. Not getting out of the house much it has not been the healthiest for us all. So the girls and I went to Utah for a good friends wedding (our sons, sister-in-law). The one security was thinking that I was free from all the sympathy looks, cause not many would know us. Wrong, so many people came up to me and gave me a hug telling me that they had followed Natalee's blog. The hugs and well wishes felt really good, I was amazed of how far spread our life has been.

When I returned home I asked Kent to give me a Priesthood blessing. That has given me a lot of comfort. This last week was the first week where I have recalled some funny moments with our Natalee. One recollection was her last day, my good friend Stephanie and I were getting her situated on the recliner and she looked at me and said 'get the chickens out of here!' I had to reaffirm her comment to which we said we would. It was a day that I laughed and cried at the same time because she would say such unusual things. To me this is good because it has been hard to think of the memories of her without crying. I know being able to think of good memories will replace the sad thoughts, and in time will fill my life more with the good times.