3 months ago

It's hard to believe that it has been three months since my last posting. I wish that I could fill you in, for there are things that needed to be shared. About two month ago, actually it was exactly five months (November 7) since Natalee had passed this life that I was hit with this insurmountable grief and I could not understand why I was going through more storms. Remember how I said that I felt I was off the boat and on solid ground? Well I discovered that this was only a temporary leave, and again I was forced to get on that stupid boat. (You have to understand, I don't like being on boats) so darn-it here we go again. My conclusion: I believe our mind can handle only so much when you lose a love one. So at first we went through shock and denial that helped buffer having too much grief all at once. So God gave us this brain that can monitor our grief a little at a time. I believe that at five months a window was opened and the reality hit stronger that my sweet Natalee is gone. With the emotions that I was going through, I just could not write.

I feel like I can finally breathe now that the holidays are behind us. Being our first Christmas without Nat was a very bitter-sweet experience, the sweet because all our children were home. The bitter I don't even need to explain. The best way to compare this about my friend who after giving birth to twins lost one at birth. I questioned her how she could deal with the two extreme contrasts. At moments she felt the joy of her living child and that would be erased feeling guilty because of her loss. When her sorrow was overcome with the loss of her child it was robbing her from enjoying the life that was still with her. I really related to that experience and find strong similarities. One special moment for me was when our family went to see "The Dawn Treader" it was an amazing experience for me. there were some lines in that movie that gave peace to my soul. Odd I cant remember the lines just the experience. So now I have to go back and take notes. Maybe I will share those thoughts later.

I was told that when a person looses a

3 months has gone by

It's hard to believe that three months have gone by since I last posted. There are so many things that I wished to have shared but I just couldn't write. Back two months ago exactly 5 months to the day, (November 7) I was hit with this insurmountable grief and I could not understand why all the sudden I was going through more storms. Remember how I said that I felt I was off the boat and on solid ground. Well I discovered that this was only a temportary leave, and again I was forced to get on that stupid boat. (You have to understand that I don't like being on boats) so darn-it here we go again. My conclusion: I believe our minds can handle only so much information when we lose someone very close to us. So at first we went through shock and denial that help buffer having too much grief at one time. I don't think our minds and bodies can handle the reality all at one time. So God gave us this brain that can monitor our grief a little at a time. I believe that at our 5th month mark, a window was opened and the reality hit stronger that my sweet Natalee is gone. With these emotions these past few months, I just couldn't write.

Many commented how Christmas would be so hard because it was our first without our Natalee. That is true, a bitter-sweet. Sweet because all our children were home. Bitter, well I don't even need to explain. The best way to compare this is from a friend, who after giving birth to twins, one of them died. I asked her how she could deal with the two extreme contrasts. At moments she felt the joy of her living baby then would feel so guilty because of the sorrow that accompanied the loss of her other baby. When she was feeling the sorrow of her lost child, again there was guilt because she should be enjoying the new given life that was in her arms. I really related to that experience and find strong similarities. One of my favorite things during the holidays was going as a family to see "The Dawn Treader" there were so many messages that resonated in my soul. I felt lifted but I can't tell you specfics. So I am planning on going again to write them down.

I was told that our belief system would change after you lose a child. That is true. I have had to walk through the valley of death where it is not well lit. It is lonely at times and hard to see and feel. No one can carry you; it is a struggle that I have had to do on my own. My belief system has come around full circle and has only gotten deeper. So with this past Christmas, I didn't send cards or share what is most important. I still believe in Christ! He lives, He is the Savior to all the world. His whole mission of coming to the earth was to break the bands of death so that we too can have the joy of the ressurrection. His atonement in the Garden of Gethsemane sured us a place in a perfect society. What a comfort it is to know that we will see our Natalee again.

At times it is hard for me to attend Church. I don't want to hear about others' miraculous healing, I hate hearing the word cancer. I am so sensiteive to a lot of subjects so that when I come home from Church, I feel like I have been beaten up. I still go but it is hard on me and sometimes I just can"t go

This Friday was an awesome day. Twelve of Natalee's friends came over after school. We talked, ate congo bars, watched the movie "The Spiderwick Chronicles" This was the second time we also had a get together at Halloween time. It felt so good to have my daughters friend around. I still have an open door policy. There are times when it is hard to see these kidsgrow up before me, but I can deal with it. Thank you for coming over it was priceless to me.

I have had such good friends contacting me since the new year. My daughter Janna went back to BYU so we are truly empty nester's. I don't like it at all. Thank you for watching over my well being and keeping me busy. Every day I read - exercise- and am trying to finish this afghan that I want to get done before my Granddaughter comes near February 11.

Natalee also has a facebook page which is easier to reply than this blog. Just type in her name and two will show up. The one that shows (community) is the most used. Thank you so much for you concerns and prayers.