March 20, 2014 - Happy (17th) Birthday Natalee!!!

I was surprised to find out it had been almost 2 years since I visited my daughters blog..  I almost feel like I'm coming home; (weird) to a place where I can accept hurt and happiness at the same time.  They are both such a strong part of my life.  In my previous posting I mention how I hate March. This is my first year that I am doing fine.  Not void from heartaches but there is a calmness.  Grateful.
I have wanted to share 'the Natalee story'.  I have reserved it for a time when her friends were a little older to get a sense of what I wanted to share. This is a private and sacred experience for us.So I have some reservation of putting it on her blog.
July 1994, I had an experience that I thought at the time was odd.  While in prayer, all the sudden I had a vivid image of me holding an adorable child.  I thought how cute and small the child was, but thought nothing more of it. In the following months I had some events that caused me to question why I had experienced this.  Kent & I decided that we needed to ask God about it.  So for us we decided to go to the Portland LDS Temple.  This is a sacred structure where we, can go to seek answers, find peace, find inspiration.While I was praying in the Temple I was told that I was going to have a child. (what! NO! I was 41 at the time.) And this child would come on the Lords time.  =  Some of you  might be wondering what I mean when I used the word told. If we pray oft and are seeking direction God speaks to us by the Holy Spirit, He can make impressions in the mind.  It is like a voice without the sound but you hear it in your mind. The scriptures term it 'a still small voice' I was told three things (or qualities) that she would have. I would like to share two of them. 1) she would have great influence by the way she speaks and her voice would be heard.  Those who know Natalee knew she was particular how she would word things , and she always used her words for the good.  2) That she would change the hearts of many people for the better, sadly much of this came because of her cancer and her passing, (but I believe she is still doing that)
At the age of 44,just short of 3 years, I gave birth to Natalee, on March 20, 1997 - 8 lb. 9 oz.  In my vision the child was petite, Natalee was not a small baby.  At 6 months I told Kent this was not the child I saw.  At 9 months her features changed a lot and one day as I was looking at her it struck me that she was that little child I saw.
I have always wondered why God  wanted me to know about her before she was born, and some important things about her.  You see I believe it was for me, to help endure her getting sick and not making it. After Natalee died I still believed in God but I questioned His system.  Was he a God that really cared, does he listen to us individually when we pray, What about the power of Faith.  Why does it work with some the others not. Why take a child of 13 years when there are people in nursing homes waiting to pass on?? It's Crazy!!  Mind you, time has supplied me with the answers and I have a depth and clarity. One word of thought, we give glory to God when things are going great, but we turn away from him when things arent going our way.  How sad and how shallow. There is a negative power on this earth and he seems to be invisible but Satan has more influence regarding disease, sicknesses, war, and hate.  We cant blame it all on God. Though he has divine powers to send in a flood, or send a meteorite he will not.  He is also bound to laws.
Well after Natalee's death, I read the scriptures even more, I kept praying.  Even though I felt empty I didnt give up, I kept on reading and praying.  This is the most important process we need to do. I'm glad I didn't quit!!
One thing that still stirred in my heart is God knew my Natalee before she was born.  It was a testimony to me that she existed before she came to this earth life,and that God knew her and loved her. He wanted me to know about her before she was born.so that when I was so down I still remembered that God shared with me something so sacred and special and that this earth life had a purpose. .  Mormons terms this our pre-mortal existence.  We believe we dwelt with our Heavenly Father before our birth.  We learned, developed talents, grew spiritually, experienced relationships.  Some of us progressed  more that others.  Which can be an  indicator why some are born naturally gifted.  Our soul is immortal,(eternal) Plato speaking to Socrates said " knowledge is simply recollection, if true, also necessarily implies a previous time in which we have learned that which we now recollect.  But this would be impossible unless our soul had been in some place before existing in the form of man; here then is another proof of the soul's immortality."
Willam Wadsworth a religious leader in the early 1800's penned these words

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter, nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

I truly believe that this earth life is short compared to the eternities.  I also believe that families can be eternal and I will be with Natalee again.  Hope is what helps us see beyond the horizon.
Natalee, happy Birthday.  My heart aches so much for you on this day.  Oh how I wish I could wrap my arms around you a give you a big hug. darn it.