Best Day With You Today

13 months

2011-07-14T20:43:00.000-07:00

Wow each month I wanted to write but just could not. From March on, each month has had something significant that seemed to knock me down and I felt I couldn't get enough oxygen to breathe. March was Natalees 14th birthday. It was pure agony knowing she is not here for her special occasion. When there is an event it tears my heart for weeks beforehand. My emotions for week would build up and then climax's on the day. Her birthday was the hardest thing for me. Nat's b'day is March 20, which is also the kick off of spring break; another heart breaker. I just wanted to stay inside so I could not hear, see or know that there were children out there having fun together. It still is crappy that my little girl is not longer able to hang out with her friends. The end of spring break, I finally went to see my parents in Eastern Oregon. ..The end of March is also my b'day; another emotional time. If I had my way I would get rid of that month forever!
April was a bitter-sweet time we went down to Utah for my sons graduation from BYU (masters in Accounting) That same weekend also was Easter, and my first granddaughter was blessed by her father. Being together with the whole family plus my sons in-laws was sweet, but once in a while the emotions got the better of me. It was like a roller coaster up and down.
May -Mothers day; hated it.
June 7th - one year since Natalee passed away. Some days it still is not real to me and some days it is so raw that I have a hard time breathing (literally).
You know the saying 'time heals all wounds'; not yet. The one year mark has improved, I can now take short glances of Natalee's pictures-I will still cry but its OK. Its still hard for me to see a school bus, but I now can drive by the schools. I avoided those buildings for over 6 months and if I even knew they were near I would cry hysterically. I stayed inside when I knew that kids were coming home from school. That is something I still have a hard time with.
The hardest thing for me is that I am now an empty Nester. Being thrown into that situation 5 years before my time is total injustice. When Janna left in January to go back to college. I felt lost, empty, and depressed and could not sleep and started having anxiety, (mind you all my children are far away). Now Nicole is home for the summer it is such a blessing to have her here. Britanee is graduating in one week from BYU-I. And I am so happy that she is has no money, because she has to come home and live with us till she can find a job and financially get on her feet. I know some of you may think that sounds crazy. But to me that is the greatest!
I laugh more, and even at times I can remember something funny about Natalee. For example yesterday I saw a person in a wheelchair. I started to cry, Natalee spent a lot of time in one and it hit me hard. Then I remembered how she loved to go to the grocery store with me. That was her way of getting out. ( The quirky thing with her is she loved the food channel and loved shopping for food but she had a hard time eating it.) Anyway the wheelchair, she loved chasing me with her wheelchair and we would laugh and laugh. It brought back wonderful memories of my funny little girl who knew how to laugh when the world around her was crumbling. I still am in wonder how she handled her crisis. My little hero.

Natalee is an Auntie

2011-02-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

On February 18, 2011 Natalee became an aunt. In my heart I hope she was able to witness such a sacred event seeing her niece come into this life. Her name is ' Jayden Natalee Walton '. As Grandparents we are ecstatic. I can't help but believe that timing was in the planning, for if she was born soon after Natalee had passed away I know the pain I was going through would have robbed such a wonderful event.

3 months has gone by

2011-01-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that three months have gone by since I last posted. There are so many things that I wished to have shared but I just couldn't write. Back two months ago exactly 5 months to the day, (November 7) I was hit with this insurmountable grief and I could not understand why all the sudden I was going through more storms. Remember how I said that I felt I was off the boat and on solid ground. Well I discovered that this was only a temportary leave, and again I was forced to get on that stupid boat. (You have to understand that I don't like being on boats) so darn-it here we go again. My conclusion: I believe our minds can handle only so much information when we lose someone very close to us. So at first we went through shock and denial that help buffer having too much grief at one time. I don't think our minds and bodies can handle the reality all at one time. So God gave us this brain that can monitor our grief a little at a time. I believe that at our 5th month mark, a window was opened and the reality hit stronger that my sweet Natalee is gone. With these emotions these past few months, I just couldn't write.

Many commented how Christmas would be so hard because it was our first without our Natalee. That is true, a bitter-sweet. Sweet because all our children were home. Bitter, well I don't even need to explain. The best way to compare this is from a friend, who after giving birth to twins, one of them died. I asked her how she could deal with the two extreme contrasts. At moments she felt the joy of her living baby then would feel so guilty because of the sorrow that accompanied the loss of her other baby. When she was feeling the sorrow of her lost child, again there was guilt because she should be enjoying the new given life that was in her arms. I really related to that experience and find strong similarities. One of my favorite things during the holidays was going as a family to see "The Dawn Treader" there were so many messages that resonated in my soul. I felt lifted but I can't tell you specfics. So I am planning on going again to write them down.

I was told that our belief system would change after you lose a child. That is true. I have had to walk through the valley of death where it is not well lit. It is lonely at times and hard to see and feel. No one can carry you; it is a struggle that I have had to do on my own. My belief system has come around full circle and has only gotten deeper. So with this past Christmas, I didn't send cards or share what is most important. I still believe in Christ! He lives, He is the Savior to all the world. His whole mission of coming to the earth was to break the bands of death so that we too can have the joy of the ressurrection. His atonement in the Garden of Gethsemane sured us a place in a perfect society. What a comfort it is to know that we will see our Natalee again.

At times it is hard for me to attend Church. I don't want to hear about others' miraculous healing, I hate hearing the word cancer. I am so sensiteive to a lot of subjects so that when I come home from Church, I feel like I have been beaten up. I still go but it is hard on me and sometimes I just can"t go

This Friday was an awesome day. Twelve of Natalee's friends came over after school. We talked, ate congo bars, watched the movie "The Spiderwick Chronicles" This was the second time we also had a get together at Halloween time. It felt so good to have my daughters friend around. I still have an open door policy. There are times when it is hard to see these kidsgrow up before me, but I can deal with it. Thank you for coming over it was priceless to me.

I have had such good friends contacting me since the new year. My daughter Janna went back to BYU so we are truly empty nester's. I don't like it at all. Thank you for watching over my well being and keeping me busy. Every day I read - exercise- and am trying to finish this afghan that I want to get done before my Granddaughter comes near February 11.

Natalee also has a facebook page which is easier to reply than this blog. Just type in her name and two will show up. The one that shows (community) is the most used. Thank you so much for you concerns and prayers.

4 months today

2010-10-07T12:10:00.000-07:00

Four months today, my Natalee past from this life, oh how hard this is to comprehend. Usually when I post a blog I wait for the time when I am more in control of my emotions. These past five days have been hard, I have missed Natalee so much it is all consuming. I will be sharing what is more raw and tender. It feels like I take two steps forward and then I will fall backwards. Sometimes the ground is so slippery that I slide backwards. There are days when I feel OK and it surprises me that I am fine, and then the next day I can be hit down so hard that I can't even hardly breathe. That is where I am at right now. It is still hard to believe that she is not here, and there will alway be a void in my life without her. Nothing can take away the aching loss of a child. Nothing.
Has life gotten better? Oh yes. There was a time when my whole day was consumed with anguish and tears. No actually weeks not days. I felt like I was unable to turn off the faucet to my emotions. Sometime when you get all wrapped up emotionally it is so consumming that it seems impossible to get out. You can't breathe; think; feel; or do anything. I was in this for 2 solid months and it is miserably horrible. I may slip in that mode but I am able to climb out. To let go so I am not consumed. Now I will cry for an hour or two than I am OK, and then I will fall apart again several times in the day. It usually takes about 5 days or so, but at least I can turn off the faucet, and that, I am grateful for.
There is one part of my walk through this horrible life that I want to share.. I am not comfortable to share this but I have several people that have told me that they have someone close to them that has lost a child and they have told them to read Natalee's blog. For anyone that has grieved so greatly that you can't ever imagine a way out from this hell, I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this. There is no way out of it, you have to go through it. Some will take months,others my take years. There is no patented answer except that you have to want to get out or you will not. When I was in this state of feeling so consumed that I felt I could not breathe, the hardest part was I couldn't feel. How could a God of love, take my beautiful daughter from me. The miserable struggle is when you don't feel that God loves you; it is such an empty, dark and hopeless feeling. I couldn't feel any sweetness of the spirit, I felt so alone, even though I had love ones around me. It is in that depth that is so scary, that all I can say to you is, don't give up. When all hope is lost and you don't care to even try, you've got to want to get better. I no longer feel that way, I feel like I am back home in my beliefs, my faith, and it feels good.
Some of the things that have helped me:
My Family: I am so grateful that my daughters stayed home this summer. Many days all we could do was watch a movie and just cuddle up under a blanket. My husband Kent has been and anchor, we all talked, cried, and laughed together. The most amazing part is going up to Nats grave site. We have literally sat up there for hours and just talked, it is so serene and sacred. If you don't have a family adopt one.
My Friends: just doing something to get you out of the house. My house is my refuge and my chamber. There were many times I didn't want to go, but I did. There were days I just couldn't. I am so grateful for all the hugs, the letters, the listening ear and not trying to give advice. I have gained so much wisdom in your words and kindness.
My Scriptures: Even when I felt so empty, I kept reading my scriptures and I kept praying. For a long time it was empty, but I didn't quit. For me Scriptures have alway been a passion so it was an escape. Every moring at 7: I still read to Natalee. I don't know if I would have had the strength to start something new, or stay focused, so for others this may not work. The main objective is to eventually feel the spirit. There are other ways like listening to uplifting music or speeches.
My journaling: I have never kept a journal faithfully till Nat was diagnosed with Cancer. It has been therapy for me. Once in a while a write a letter to my daughter to share how I feel. Sometime I ask her questions about what she is doing, what it is like there, my sorrows, my happy feelings, my good memories of her. This has been powerful for me.
Lastly remembering: When I could not see, feel, when I could not feel Gods love or his Spirit, when every memory of my daughter brought me to cry, making it hard to think about her. I had to dig deep and remembered the times when I felt His sweet spirit, the times in my life when I had peace that touched my heart and soul. I remember reading His words and knowing without a doubt that it was true. I remember so many times in my life when the Holy Spirit touched my spirit that gave me peace and understanding; a hope; a faith; a knowledge of truth. It was remembering these past feelings, when I could not feel that helped me want to see and feel again.
Knowing Natalee, would not be happy with me being in such a pathetic state. And she would not hesitate to tell me. She is still my hero, my strength, my example. Just remembering her strength, her courage, her will, her grace in how she handled her chemo and cancer has kept me going forward. I am still amazed by her.
I feel like I am off the boat and I was getting pretty sea sick, so I am glad to be on solid ground. Truthfully I have not missed a day that I have not cried over Natalee. But that is my normal life now. If you see me I will look normal, please don't be afraid to come up and talk or get a hug from me. I am OK. I am just trying to live with a new life, and a new normal.

Daydawn is breaking

2010-08-30T13:22:00.000-07:00

Grief has kept me from writing this long time. I have attempted many times but words cannot justify what I have been going through.

Since I have used the boat as my parable, I will continue the same. After Natalee passed away, my grief became so great I felt swallowed up in a ragging storm at sea. Just fighting the swells of emotions I had no time to relax or laugh or feel peace. I felt like I was put in the hull of the boat, where the trap door was opened to let me in then shut closed. No light was able to penetrate to give warmth or to see. Since I could not see, doubt, fear, and a loss of hope was playing on my mind and my heart. Reading JOB (Old Testament) after loosing your child has totally changed my perspective of the book. He felt the same feelings that I have been going through. My sorrows escalted at Natalee's 2 month mark, to where I felt so consumed with grief. Job lost his 10 children all in one day; uncomprehendable! In chapter 6 he said " my grief was heavier than the sand of the sea... for the arrows of the Almighty are within me, the poison drinketh up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me. 7:4 When I lie down..the light be gone and I am full of tossing's to and fro..the day spend without hope..Later he expressed a doubt in the resurrection and questioned that there was life after the body was laid in the ground.

The beauty and hope in Job, is he did find his way out. I have alway told myself I will not allow this to ruin my life. It is not as easy as I thought. Actually since I had a full year to prepare for Natalee's passing I thought it would lessen the blows, plus the last 7 weeks were so painful and difficult for her it was a sweet release. But all that didnt matter when she is so greatly missed. I felt robbed from my little girl. It is hard to understand and all reason and logic was on the other side of that door. Now almost 3 months I feel like the trap door has been opened and I can feel the suns warmth and it feels good. I have felt a peace these past two days that I was craving for. Will it stay I dont know but it gives me an understanding that my life will not alway be in the storm.

"For tis sorrow that works our pondering, and grief that teaches us to feel" (auther unknown)

As I sat at Natalee's grave site on Sunday, I felt a renewed hope in Christ and of the Resurrection. Because he was able to break the bands of death, He has given that as a gift to us all. When I was 6 years old, I lost a brother (he was 9), then in 2003 I lost another brother and a sister. I never questiond that they went to a peaceful place. With Natalee things changed, I have worried about her happiness on the other side. With all her sisters and brother and parents still here, all together, I thought how she must be feeling, robbed of the spearation of her family. How it must be harder on her than us. Even though she is with my 3 siblings and other loved ones. Worring about her well-being has troubled me so much that I have stayed down in that hole miserably. I finally realized that my fears and worries were natural because it is what mothers do 'worry about their childrens happiness and safety' Instead of fighting, I am learning to 'let go' and again trust in Gods word and his eternal plan.

I would like to share a scripture that helped me get on the right perspective and that she is happy. It is in the Book of Mormon Alma 40:11-12 "Now, concerning that state of the soul between death and resurrection - Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, weather they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life. 12, And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradises, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow. (vs. 13 doesnt give a good account for those that are wicked) Alma 40, Alma 41, Alma 42 are excellent read just google it.

The poet Sennaca said "The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity"

Do I have answers for the toubled soul to find peace? I think we all have to find our own course but this I know you cant do it alone. I think the thing that help jolt me was when my son Ryan and his wife were coming up for a week. I was forced to get out of my pit to get things going for when they came. The Gonzalez family (who we don't really know) kindly offered their beach house. So I was pulled out of the pit and was able to relax and enjoy all of my family. Yes I thought about Natalee and quietly cried. But I didnt feel so absorbed. I have alway read the scriptures and it is a fabric of my life, that I have continued to do. I was mad at God, so I told him that for a while I was going to guit talking with him. OK I still prayed every day but my heart was not there. I am no longer mad at him and it feels good to be back on speaking terms. One of my highlights is several weeks ago at Church I had 10 of Natalees friends come up and each gave me a hug. We all cried, it was so powerful, it is the closest I can get to hugging Natalee. I was talking with Hannah and Riley on Sunday and they shared how all of Natalee's friend have gotten together this summer to share stories about her. It warms my heart that she is not forgotten by others. This brings me peace.
I have taken the trellis with a photo, up to her grave site. We are not ready to put up a marker; it is too final.

Natalee's Memorial Fund

2010-06-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

I know there are some who have asked if there was a fund to donate for Natalee. Our good friend Suzi Dyches has opened an account at Wells Fargo bank. You can go to any branch and tell them that you would like to make a donation to the 'Natalee Walton Memorial Fund'.
On the last day of school, Conestoga M.S. had a fund raiser where the children brought in loose change. The youth donated close to $2,000, thank you for your amazing hearts. We were shocked at the cost of her burial needs and we're so grateful for all your generosity.
My heart is so touched at the turnout of all the youth that came to Natalee's funeral service. I know that she saw all of you there and I am sure that she was aware of each of you personally. I truly believe she was there. Thank you. Also we want to thank all those who came to support our family on that very difficult but special day. I would like to share something that the person we worked with at the cemetery told us. She said that all day it was cloudy and windy (Natalee's resting place is on top of a hill that over looks the valley, very peaceful and serene) By the time we arrived, all of the sudden the sun came out, the cold winds stopped and she knew without a doubt that heaven was smiling down on our special day. After everyone left we stayed behind and I saw for myself how all the sudden a cold wind came down the hill. It was significant. It was a witness to us that God stilled peace to all of us.
It is three week today since Natalee passed over to the next life, I am just starting to think. The best way to describe our life right now, is everything is intensified. Our feelings, our emotions, our sorrows are so vulnerable. It still hurts, and we are left to ask the questions 'WHY?' Why she had to be taken at only 13, why did she have to get cancer and suffer and many more questions. And for me personally I have told my Heavenly Father that I am so mad at him. One thing I know for sure, is in time the answers will come. Until then, I will search to know the truth. Truth, Christ taught will set us free, or give us peace. Truth is when we know without a doubt, what is in Gods mind, will and heart. It is a pure understanding of what he wants and truly feels. Essentially being able to see as God sees. What cripples us is when our hurts, confusion, and anger takes over and we allow it to consume us. That is how Satan is able to have power over our hearts and if we keep listening to our emotions and not sifting through, then our all consuming feeling can literally destroy us.
Our family is doing a lot of together time, we even started doing crossword puzzles together and every day we play either Skipbo, or Phase 10 two of Nats favorite card games.
Everynight at 11 o'clock I get out my 'Book of Mormon' and read a chapter with Natalee. I imagine that she is sitting there beside me as I read aloud to her. Even though I don't feel her beside me it still gives me comfort to imagine her leaning up against me as I read to her, something I haven't been able to do for some time, because she was hurting. I have always found peace in the word of God and during this unrested time it does calm my heart and soul.
We are keeping up Natalee's trellis in the front yard in case someone wants to write a note to Nat or the family.
Our address is: 12345 SW Millview Ct. / Tigard, Or. / 97223

I will keep on posting

2010-06-14T23:01:00.000-07:00

I am surprised at the feelings I have been going through since our sweet Natalee has departed this life. The day after her funeral I was expecting horrendous pain and grief, but the morning after I felt calm as did the rest of the family. I thought of this past year how our family has had to endure a lot of sorrow, grieving over Natalee's hardships. It is something that has been so unbearable at times. Admidst all the lows in our lives, we have been carried to the top of the mountian and saw and understood some of God's tender mercies, It has been a journey where we have rarely seen the calm.
Through this past year, I feel like we have been in a boat that is in the middle of the ocean, the storms have been hitting us in harsh and intense ways, tossing us in directions we did not know. Sometimes the winds have settled but we have not been able the see the light break through the clouds. Just once in a while a hint of clearing but never clear skies that was needed to bring us back to shore.
Our boat for several days has been floating in still waters, still in the middle of the ocean, still not knowing which way to paddle. The calmness might be because our daughter Nicole had graduation on Sunday and it was important to us that she enjoyed her special day, and we felt we were being blessed. Today we have felt a change in the winds, and a new storm is coming. The worst of storms is over (cancer and Natalee's death), we now have oars in hand hoping to find our way to the harbor. Maybe even at times the wind may blow at our backs pushing us forward. I don't know how long it will take to find our way back. We might end up going in the wrong direction, me might need to experience heartache and pain for a while to help us better understand with clarity some of the important things. I know it will take a long time to heal, and as we drift in our boat I hope to share part of our journey. Part of what I want to share will be for Natalee's friends to help them find comfort and peace. I know it has been hard on all of you.
Natalee's chapter ended as did her book for this life. She is now starting a new book, and whole new life. One thing I wanted to express is that one of God's plan, is for us to alway grow and progress, learn and experience, to find peace and joy. Where Natalee is at, she is learning and experiencing new and greater things, more than what she understood here. A place where there are no dieseases or suffering. It is a whole new wonderful life, I know she is loving it, and is probably sitting on top of a mountian seeing new and wonderful things. No doubt she is missing us as well as we are missing her, but I know she is smiling now and she able to run for the first time since she was diagnosed with her cancer a year ago.

Service Details

2010-06-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

Services for Natalee will be held Friday June 11, 2010 at the LDS Lake Oswego Stake Center. The address is 14903 Westlake Drive, Lake Oswego. The cross street is Kruse Way. Parking is somewhat limited so try to carpool.

Viewing will be held from 12:00 to 1:30 pm. Funeral service starts at 2:00 pm. Graveside service at Skyline Memorial Gardens at 4:00 pm.

The services are open to all faiths.

Our sweetheart is in His loving arms

2010-06-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

This past week Natalee made a major turn for the worse. It became obvious on Saturday that we were going to lose her soon.
We weren't expecting it this soon. Yesterday - June 7, 2010 at 3:00 PM, our little sweetheart got to run free without anymore pain. And I am sure she has a big smile where she is at. Her passing is hard but we are comforted to know she is now without cancer.
A friend of ours has put up a trellis in our front yard for those who would like to write notes to Natalee or her family.
When we have the time and date for her memorial service we will post it on this blog.
All your love and service to our family has carried us through this journey. Thank you so much.

Letting go and putting our trust in God

2010-06-05T16:12:00.000-07:00

This past month has been our most learning experience, and the most trying and hardest to handle. I commented previously that I had an experience that I wanted to share, but it was not the time. I feel now is the time. Back on May 10, three days after we put Natalee into Gods care, besides some of the things they told us to expect, I was told she had 2-4 weeks to live. I was in shock and horrific grief, so unimaginable was my anguish. I sat out in the parking lot, and told my Father in Heaven that I didn't think I could handle it anymore. That night I had Gods tender mercies come upon me. To try and explain this sacred experience I know that I will not do justice, but I will attempt. That night while talking with my Father in Heaven, my body went through a literal, physical experience. I felt likemy whole body was being filled up with air, literally, and as I was being filled my whole being was being filled with such peace and light. It is the most powerful experience that I have felt. A peace that surpasses all understanding. What followed in our family for the next three weeks is something that I thought was unattainable. We were being carried, and that blessing of the Holy Spirit was so great that our faith and hope became so empowering. Every morning when I woke up I felt so positive and knew she was going to make it, there was not a doubt in my mind or heart. When Kent would give her a Priesthood blessing it was so powerful, that no doubt the words given would be carried out, because the spirit was so strong. The spiritual feelings were so magnificent in our home, nothing seemed impossible. I will say that we have drawn on the powers of heaven and exercised a faith that has been pure and without doubt, that I know if God healed only on the merits of someones faith Natalee would be healed. Plus I know that thousands of people have been praying mightily right with us.
The previous weekend we have had to learn a new lesson and it is hard. First when we turned her over to Gods care, we still was asking God to do what we desired and being a big part of the process. There is nothing wrong with that and we felt this was the right course of action. On Saturday May 29, Natalee went down so fast she came close to dying, her kidney was shutting down ( which is the first to go) she was so lifeless and no longer in pain. The nurse said she would most likely pass on, this week. She was given fluids that went directly by a needle into her stomach. With the re hydration also revealed that her kidney was ok. That is when we came to a new level of understanding; that we needed to let go completely and say to God, 'Thy will be done'. With no expectations just complete trust. This is harder to do than it appears. We have a greater appreciation for Abraham of old when he took his son Isaac to the alter to be sacrificed. He had no expectations that God would tell him to stop, he went with pure faith and a trust in Gods will. Amazing! (Later to be a lesson us of Christ's infinite sacrifice) So as we gave Natalee to God, we do not know whether she will have her life extended, or if God will take her home. A place Mormons call the Spirit World, where families still exist, where we are able to grow, learn and experience, a peaceful life, a place where Natalee would be free from her cancer.
One of the questions I had to ask and finally got an answer, is why did I feel so strong that she would be healed. It occurred to me during the three weeks when we were being carried by the Holy Spirit, that the spirit was so strong that it caused us to feel so good, that it most likely caused us misinterpret what was being conveyed. I hope that make sense, for God doesn't mislead we just understand it incorrectly.
Where we are at right now. First Natalee's kidney is working. She still won't eat and weighs about 60# (at 5'1") She is bound to the recliner downstairs and that is where she sleeps most of the day and night. She is unable to walk so the recliner is her life. There are times when she will sleeps for 2 whole days. So in truth it is not promising. She is in a lot of pain that can be controlled (when she takes her medication) Our family is doing OK, we feel like we are in a waiting room, waiting to see how God wants things to turn out. No expectations, a trust that God will do what is best. A quote I found this week " Faith is stepping into the unseen and trusting the light will follow" (Hafen) Our trust is knowing that Natalee will be where God intended her to be and we have peace with that.

update

2010-05-18T15:02:00.001-07:00

There is so much I want to share, but feel that I need to hold off for the time.
Natalee is about the same. It has been 10 days from the last posting. I will say that she hasn't gotten better, but neither has she worsen. Three days after I had posted the previous blog, Natalee's doctor asked me to come in to talk. She wanted to prepare our family for some of the events that might happen to her. I cannot share what was told for it is too hard to even recount. From our conversation, we were expecting a rapid decline. So when I say she hasn't gotten worse, that is without a doubt amazing.
We are still having a hard time getting her to eat. She has 'thrush' which is a fungus that is in her mouth and digestive track. (chemo side effects) It is very uncomfortable for her to even swallow water, Her stomach hurts a lot from the thrush, being without food, and from coughing so much. It is a victory when she is able to eat. With the chemo being clean out of her body and the thrush medication starting to make some improvements, we are hoping by next week food will be appealing.
So many of you have asked what you can do? Right now, I would ask you to pray that Natalee's spirits can be lifted, that she can find peace and comfort, not to give up, and to have a desire to fight. Some of the greatest battles in life could have been won if we hadn't given up. Not knowing that while in the darkest hour there was a door waiting to be opened to find victory. It was 4 weeks ago that she was told the horrible news that nothing was working. This also was the first time she found out that she had terminal cancer. Can you imagine the shock, and horror that went through her mind, heart, and soul? It is unfathomable for me to comprehend. So for 3 weeks she gave up, quit eating, and quit trying to survive. So our good friends, we just ask you to pray.
Now one thing I want to express, when we said we turned her over to God, we weren't saying we gave up. She is in the greatest hands and care that can be given. The best was to say it is, she is on God's chemo, not man's chemo. So readers understand that our faith in God's healing powers have never been as strong as now. We have had some powerful experience that have lifted us up. Experiences in due time I want to share.

It's in Gods Hands

2010-05-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

This past Wednesday May 5th, we had a family fast. As a parent there becomes a burden that digs at our heart, wondering have we done all that we can, should we stop as the doctors have suggested, or should we try to find other options. Since this all began, we have been overwhelmed with others suggestions (some I have appreciated) but others that have made us wonder if we have fallen short. With these haunting emotions we decided to seek our answers in our Temple. Whenever I need answers, or need to feel Gods comfort and Love, I go to His Temple. We specifically went to know what
Gods will is. So we considered three options 1) to continue on with our doctors and try another drug. 2) To check out some other cancer clinics that are more holistic, 3) to stop the drugs and turn her over to God. We told our children to all pray at 7:00 during the time we were to pray. After an hour and half of Kent and I praying and talking together, we knew without a doubt that it is time to stop the chemo, and put our daughter Natalee into Gods hands. This has been the hardest burden we have ever had to make, but we know that this is Gods will. and feel peace in our decision.
God is the architect and we trust in his will and his mighty power. With all the hardships and pain that Natalee is going through, it is time for our little girls to be free from cancer. Natalee has gone down hill rapidly. She has no strength to walk, it is very difficult to get her to eat and has lost a lot of weight. But as miserable as she is, she still has it in her to make us laugh. The doctor and social worker at Emanuel both made a comment that Natalee has stood out more than any other kid with how well she handles her hardships. That she has never complained, they said that if there was a word to best describe her, it is that she has grace. That is true.
The doctor also told me that she has shared Natalee's case with many doctors and have shown them her scans, and all of them were amazed that she wasn't taking pain medications until this past month. They felt she should have been taking it all along. I am so grateful for your prayers for Natalee, I believe it has empowered Gods grace and tender mercies to carry her through this difficult time.

Natalee is having a hard time

2010-04-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

One of the opportunities of our human existence, is we are given, 'pen in hand' to write our own story of life. Sometimes without our control another author steps in to write on the pages of our history. This past year Natalee has had to let others do just that. As her mother, I have been so proud with how she has gracefully handled this chapter in her life.

I feel she is starting a new chapter. One that began with some wonderful experiences. Natalee was able to go two times in the month of March and stay at a beach house with some of her friends. This was the highlight of this past year. Looking back at this time, I now know it was a time of tender mercies where she felt good. It was a delightful time to warm her heart and soul. I am so grateful for that time and feel we were blessed.

Natalee has made a turn for the worse. Since December her tumors have been growing and she has new tumors. We don't know if this is her final chapter or if it is going to be the worse chapter of her life. In our meeting last week with the doctors, we were told it is time to quit using chemo. The tumors have learned to resist the drugs. From the beginning there was some information that we chose to withhold from Natalee and our readers. Back in May 2009, our first meeting with the Doctor, we were told that she had 5 months to live with a 10% chance to survive. We have only shared the information about the larger tumors, but she has always had clusters of tiny fibrous tumors in her lungs that number in the hundreds. That is horrible news when you are trying to fill your heart and soul with hope.

Natalee just doesn't feel good. Her body aches constantly, she has a hard time breathing and spends most of her time in bed or on the recliner. Today we are getting an oxygen machine ( it is a machine that makes its own oxygen) delivered to help her breathe better. I want you to know about this so if anyone wants to come over to see Natalee you wont be surprised. The one magical thing that really brightens her spirits, is when a friend comes over to hang out with her. (bring a movie to watch) There is such a change in her and I want to thank those that have remembered my sweetheart.

Currently we asked to stay on this new drug Afinitor and had the dosage increased to the adult level. Next week she will have her scans and we will decided what the next step is. We have not given up, but we have had to change our perspective.

Have I stopped believing in miracles? Miracles are all around us, every breath we take with our amazing, complicated human body is a miraculous gift. When I see a soul that has been broken, lost, where the clouds of darkness encompasses their lives, and then find a ray of light, of hope,that is a great miracle. I have thought about how I was told that she would be a miracle. I knew that she was going to be healed; miracles are attached to those words. I want your to know that I had to go down to the depths and question, is all that I have read and learned in the Holy Scriptures really true or is it just stories that was passed from generation to generation. Is it a myth or is it the living waters, springing from a well of hope. I had to wrestle to find the well of living waters, and I have drank from its sweet cup. I know that they are really His Words. There is only one person that has ever been recorded in the antiquities (historical writings) that was prophesied for centuries to come as a Savior of the world. He came to earth; lived a pure life. Just before he was crucified, he went into the Garden of Gethsemane and made an atonement for all mankind. Meaning he took all our burdens, our sins and sufferings, this account shares that he bleed from every pore for so painful was the event. Matthew 26:36-44. It is only He, Christ (meaning the anointed one) who had the power three days after his death to resurrect himself. Because he was able to do that, it opened the door for all of us to be resurrected. Meaning after we die our body and our spirit will be reunited again. Now that is the greatest miracle of all. I believe families are forever and that gives me eternal hope. I cant miss sharing the beautiful words of John 1 " In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God...And all things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.... And the word was made flesh, and dwelt among us (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father) full of grace and truth." Only they, who want to feel his light and not allow sorrow and darkness to get in the way, will be able to feel and see. I think darkness is when you become angry, hurt, consumed with fear, mislead, confused, have went against Gods laws, it gets in the way of seeing the greater picture. Hope is lost, Faith is lost, and no longer can you feel Charity ( the pure love of Christ)

Scan results

2010-04-15T13:21:00.000-07:00

This is going to be brief. I wanted all you caring people to know. The tumors have grown, the plus side they didn't grow as much as when she was on her previous chemo at Doernbechers. Natalee is taking a drug that has never been used on children, so the Doctor wanted us to start on a smaller dosage. So we are doubling, then next Wednesday we will sit down with Doctor Olsen to discuss new options. Doctor Olsen is doing more research on other opportunities out there. Again I ask for your prayers. I do want to note that we still feel the power of hope and that we are doing OK. Maybe it is because we have had so many people out there that has lifted us up getting us ready for the bad news.

Good times and good friends

2010-04-13T18:06:00.000-07:00

WOW, the past few week have been unbelievable. Spring break started on March 20, which was also Natalee's 13th birthday!! Yes, that's right she is a teenier. So many kids sent her cards, the school made a board with comments and pictures also a parent made her a quilt where the kids signed it, and good friends brought gifts over. I was amazed at the good hearts of so many people. Thanks.

Natalee's pain. For the past two months, after her tumors had grown, she has had constant pain, both in her leg and back. She was prescribed 'Gabapentin' which has lessen the pain in her back, it is constantly there, but tolerable. As for her leg she is using the 'TENS unit', which stands for Transuctaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation, essentially we put 4 electrode pads (very sticky) on specific muscles near her pain, then attach them to the unit which sends pulses, tricking the brain to pay attention, distracting it from the other pain. It works, it doesn't get rid of it but helps a lot. She can do that up to 4 times a day. The reason for the leg pain; during her surgery, as you may recall, she almost lost her leg because the tumor was wrapped around the nerve that runs down to her leg. When they removed the tumor, it caused nerve damage. From that she has a numb spot about 5"x7". The nerves compensate by becoming very active in that area, causing severe pain and that is why the TENS unit works well for that pain. There was a time when she was spending a lot of time in bed. So now less pain and more quality.

Spring break, Natalee was able to go to the beach with two friends, Makenna Bell and Ally Fulps. Part of the time it was stormy (loved it), then sunny, but cold. We were able to take short trips to the beach then come back and play games, watch movies, eat junk, and laugh a lot. We ran over to Tillamook cheese factory, and to Cape Mears lighthouse. Makenna's mom, Cathy also came with us, so it was also fun for me. I think the best part is seeing my girl laugh and be with friends. It was the best medicine. For that reason I am hoping that she can have more visits. Friday is an open door for anyone to walk on over after school.

This past weekend our Girl Scout Troop went to the beach (our last hurrah) we are dissolving the troop. Again it was an unbelievable time. We left at 4:30, right after we got on the road, Natalee had a surprise phone call from Taylor Swift. Even though she wasn't able to talk with her, she left a kind message that has been great to listen to. Thanks Taylor, to take the time to reach out, that meant a lot to Nat. Well with eight girls along with most the moms, we had a crazy time at the beach. While we were at the beach, some of the men (High Priests) from our Church came over and did some major yard work. They removed a large tree, 5 shrubs, repaired a broken fence from the windstorm and then the general pruning and cleaning up from ole winter. When I came home I was so amazed of the work that was done. I can't help but feel so blessed by so many caring people. You are all the wings that lift us up above the storms so that we can see. Thank you so much.

Tomorrow Natalee goes to the Doctors to find out the results of her scans. In a few days I will post the information, and hope to post some pictures from our beach trips.

Make a Wish shopping spree

2010-04-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the big scan day, we won't get the results for a few day. If you recall the past two scans came back with her tumors growing. With a new drug, we are hoping for some good news.

I would like to back up and share some events hat can't be skipped over. Back in February, Natalee was given a generous gift from 'Make-a-Wish' foundation. Nat chose to do a shopping spree. First we were taken by a limousine to shop at Best Buy where she got a large 52" TV along with a Blue Ray player, then we went over to Fred Meyers to get the TV stand, and a 'back massager', something she has wanted for a long time.

After the shopping spree, we all went out to eat; this included our chauffeur, and our wonderful volunteers form Make-a-Wish, Dixie and Karen. They have been with us form the beginning and still check on our well being. We are so grateful for their kindness, and the generosity of Make a Wish. They truly have gone above and beyond. Natalee had such a great time, and when she is not fleeling well, she can lie down and watch a movie on her BIG TV. She said that it is going with her when she gets out on her own.

We are going forward !

2010-03-08T16:38:00.000-08:00

I want to thank all the wonderful people who have called, sent messages, came over to lift our spirits, and joined in our fast and prayer for Natalee. We have truly been blessed. Our friend, Gail Woller sent a note, which I feel conveys how through you, His tender mercies are picking up the pieces:

"I wanted to run right over and help you "glue" the pieces of the Hope jar back together... I realized that the Savior's grace and mercy are how He "glues" the
hope back togther again. He even can replace the jar with a bigger, stonger jar of Hope... I'm praying for His tender mercies to continue to be with you- Natalee, and the family- for your shattered jar to be replaced with a big, strong, light-filled jar of Hope to keep in view all the days ahead."

I had several people tell me that they had a strong impression to pray earnestly for our family, though they didn't know why. The first two days after the horrible news, our family just crawled in a cave. We were shocked that this new drug didn't work. I think from the beginning we felt this was the drug. Day three was a night and day difference, we felt His comfort and know your prayers were being answered. We felt His peace, and our minds were opened, thank you.

One of the others concerns we had, was Natalee's pain in her back and leg had increased so much that she was taking medication all day long just to ease it. She was using a Lidocaine patch on her back and taking Tylenol and Ty w/Codeine at night time. So you can imagine all the fears, that was wrestling in our minds. A week of sitting and waiting to find out the why's and what's were excruciating.

We are back at Emanuel; when we left, we had such a hard time saying goodbye to all the doctors and nurses, they have been there from the beginning. So it is good to be back home, and yes we fell in love with our doctor and nurse at Dorenbechers so again a sad goodbye. After meeting with Dr. Olsen, we felt hopeful about the new drug they want to try on her. This drug has a differant approach in attacking the tumors. The way she explained it was, before, we were trying to cut off the phone lines, (tumors seem to communicate to each other), and now we are attacking the Internet. OK, after I got home I tried to pick apart this analogy. I was somewhat confused so I will go back and ask for more clarification. This new drug is, Everolimus (e-ver-OH-li-mus), band name is Afinitor. Two side effects they are concerned about is she will have more sores in her mouth, and a high risk for infections. If Natalee even gets a fever we are to bring her right in.

About the pain in her back and leg. The back pain is from the tumor pressing on her sciatica nerve. She has been prescribed a medicine called, Gabepentin, an anti-depressant, which has proven to be successful for spinal problems, especially the sciatica nerve. As for her leg, they want her to do some physical therapy, one thought is they want to trick the brain by attaching some electrodes to the thigh , causing it to pulse which will send a message to the brain, hoping that it will put more energy on the new activity than the pain.

We have a new Hope-Jar ( it was too hard trying to piece it back together) and things are much better.

starting all over again

2010-02-25T09:23:00.000-08:00

February 25, 2010
Throughout this journey with Natalee, I have placed a jar called 'hope' high upon a shelf so that it has been in view at all times. At times the wind has blown hard and caused the door to slam shut, making it hard to see. After pulling ourselves together and making our way to the door, we have been able to open it, to let the light shine in. Letting us again see the 'hope' jar. Sometimes the storms have been so hard that the jar has been pushed into a dark corner, and after a lot of searching we have been able to put it in its right place. Today (Feb. 22) the winds have blown so hard that the jar fell to the ground and shattered in pieces. And with the door closed I am having a hard time pulling the pieces back together. Natalee had her scans today, and the results were horrible. The standard for this study was that if her tumors grew more than 20% they would have to take her off the drug. So today she was taken off the study and right now we have no avenue of what to do. They didnt tell us how much they have grown and truthfully I didn't want to know. They did mention that even though they didn't scan her abdomen area this time they could tell that the tumors in that location have grown. Both of the doctors from Emanuel and Doernbechers are trying to find the right option.
I usually wait for the storms to pass over where I can see the brighter picture before I write anything in the blog, but we are desperately seeking help through your prayers. Right now they don't know which direction to take and truthfull there isn't a drug out there that has been successful on Renal Cell Carcinoma. For some patients they have found success while others it just doesn't work. To help you understand, tumor cell consists of two types: clear cell and non-clear cell, Natalee has the non-clear cell which is rare (10-20%) and then to break that down she has two forms of the non-clear cell which are crystalline and oblong and it is rare to have two forms of cells. She is unique!
It is our hope and faith that through all your prayers, the doctors will be led to the right information out there. There are alway new doors being opened, new studies, sometimes it could be combining two different drugs etc. So the doctors are tying to find the best avenue. If you could ask Heavenly Father, to guide the doctors in finding the correct course to take it, would mean the world to our family. We, our family, and others are having a special fast for Natalee, and would welcome anyone to join in the fast this Saturday/Sunday. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

New beginnings with new drug

2010-02-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

February 5, 2010

Natalee has been on her new chemo for 12 days, she seems to be handling this drug a little better. She was off chemotherapy for 4 weeks (scary) which gave time for the tumors to grow. This was necessary for the other drug to be purged from her body, before the new one was introduced. I thought that during this time she would bounce back, but instead she was worn out not feeling well for 26 days straight. Two days before she was to start her new treatment, she finally showed signs of her normal self.

The first day on this drug we had to be at the hospital from 8 AM till 8 PM for blood tests. The purpose was to see how active the drug was in her blood system. They drew blood the first half hour, then one hour, and then every two hours till 8:00. One of the downsides is she will be taking this drug for two years without any breaks. Yes that's no days off.

Actually they started this study on children in August of 2009 and is being tested in 27 locations throughout United States, Canada, and Australia. Natalee is the first accepted person here in Portland. All the clinics are on stage 3 of the dosage level (600 mg) They will increse the dosage if the patients are not responding to the drug, and as long as they are able to handle it.

Now for the update, Natalee feels better on this drug. Since she is a case study, her doctor wanted her to try the drug without using the anti-nausea pills to see her reaction. Gratefull she doesn't get nauseas from the chemo, this is exciting! She feels a bit nausea; but with the other drug she had to take an anit-nausea pill each time she took her chemo, and still felt like she was going to throw up. So far the side effects are; fatigue, migraines (daily), hiccups, and an upset system.

Some of you were aware that 'Make a Wish" was sending our family on a cruise to the Caribbean. We were to fly out tomorrow Feb. 6th, and be gone till the 14th. But with this new trial process we had to cancel our trip. "Make a wish", makes their schedules once a year for all 50 states, so we were lucky to get eccepted, their next scheduling won't be until November 2010, that is too far away. This was something that, daily, Natalee expressed her excitement for. It was the silver lining of her cloudy life. But as alway, Natalee accepts things really well and goes forward. Now the back up plan is for her to have a shopping spree!!!

As always PATIENCE is the agonizing pill; I want a normal life for my daughter right now! On the other side, Natalee is a pioneer for a drug that may prove to save others down the road. So though I want this over right now, I also want the integrity of this study to be accurate so that down the road they know what works best. We have to remind ourselves that some miracles are instant, while others take time, revealing itself one layer at a time.

Thank you for your prayers, concerns, and continuing on our journey.

Door closes, but God opens a window...

2010-01-18T11:02:00.001-08:00

This past Monday we received the results from Natalee’s, MRI and CT scans and it was heart breaking. Natalee’s tumors have grown, which also means that the chemo in no longer being effective. L Our first day with this news, we were in shock and felt like we had lost all hope. It was a bad, sad day at the Waltons. Since hope is what we rely on to keep us on the upside of life, I have anchored my hope and faith in the statement that ‘when a door is closed, God opens a window’. Sometimes we have to fall a little backward to go forward, and since that day of bad news, I have come to believe that this is the course. We have been informed of a new drug that was FDA approved in Oct. 2009 for advanced Renal Cell Carcinoma, (called Pazopanib Hydrochloride). It has been tested on adults (phases 1,2 & 3), but not on children. OHSU is now doing a clinical test (phase-1) on children with advanced carcinomas, where they cannot find a chemo that will help them. This makes Natalee a double qualified candidate. Monday Emmanuel called to try and get her in, but they were already full, so she is on a waiting list.

Three days later, today, Thursday Jan. 14, 2010, I have spent the day talking with Emmanuel and OHSU/Dornbechers. The great news, Natalee has been accepted into the program!! We are excited, nervous, and relieved but we really don’t know how this will affect her. It is a pill and has similar side effects as the one she previously was on, one concern is that it may cause high blood pressure. With blinders on, we cant see the picture our Heavenly Father has in store for us, but 3 months ago we didn’t have a backup plan if Sunitinib didn’t work and it worked long enough to keep her alive. Now amazingly we have a study right here in Portland. I will let you decide if this is a miracle, but no matter how you see it, it is great timing! As for our family we do believe in miracles.

*Prayer request: That the Doctors will speedily figure out the correct dosage for his patients (not just Natalee), with this new drug.*

December 13

2009-12-18T17:14:00.000-08:00

December 13, 2009

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! We love the holidays and more than ever, it has meant so much to our family. I now really appreciate the holidays being stuck right in the middle of the dead of winter, what a way to lift the spirits.

Natalee ended her round a week before Thanksgiving so by the time of the event, she was feeling more her self. November’s round of chemo was more difficult for Natalee; she spent more time lying down and very tired. For Thanksgiving, all of the family was home for the whole week, and I have to give a lot of thanks to the Gwynn family for bringing that about (Ryan’s in-laws). We went to our friend’s beach house on the Tuesday before and enjoyed our Thanksgiving there. On Wednesday we were able to go down to the beach with the most perfect fall weather you can ask for. No wind, the sun was out, and it was in the low 60’s. We just relaxed, played football and laughed together. It is a day that was a picture perfect memory for all of us. Thanksgiving day it rained all day, but who cares when you’re stuffing yourself all day, watching football, playing games etc. We came home to Tigard, to have our Christmas on the weekend, since Ryan and Lindsay will be spending it with her family. It was a wonderful week!!!

With the Thanksgiving month just past, our hearts have been filled with so much gratitude. I am amazed at the beautiful people that we have been graced with. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! There are too many people that have carried us that it would take about 5 pages to write them all down. There is one group that I feel I have not personally thanked. Starting way back from the beginning, (seven months) our hearts were filled with the compassion that the Conestoga students, parents and staff, extended to us. Thank you for your generous gift by way of a financial contribution, your prayers, and words of comfort, the youth rallied behind Natalee, and we felt the spirit of all your prayers and concerns for her. You really lifted her up.

Update on Natalee; she has gained 20 pounds!! Who would ever think we would be delighted to gain that much. At the end of this round she will be scanned to see if there are any changes.

December’s round she is doing great!! She started this round on Dec. 1st , the first 11 days, she was doing so well and able get up and be normal, feeling a little fatigued and dizzy, This is a first for her to be on it that long and not have her to where she is unable to get up from her bed. Usually day 4 is where we see a major change. Such a marvelous thing!!! The great thing is since she was doing so great she was able to go with the youth from our church to the Temple; she came home so elated!

Currently Natalee is not feeling well but she is already half way through this round. She will finish on Dec. 28 just in time before school starts up, to which we are planning on starting up again.

One little dot makes all the difference

2009-11-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

This is GREAT news all because of one little dot ! I decided to send you my journal entry of that day. Natalee has had a couple hard days but is doing well now. Day 4 on her chemo alway seems to hit her hard so she was down till Wednesday. :-)

October 28, 2009 Wednesday

Today was our visit with the doctors, we saw Dr. Norwood; Natalee’s blood counts looked good. I wanted to know his opinion as to whether she should go to school with the swine flu being a concern. His reply was that usually he is for kids attending school as much as they can, but with the concerns of the swine flu, he felt it would be a good idea not to go. Since Nat is being tutored and it is more for the social needs she would rather stay home. So Friday will be her last day, which might be until the springtime.
I asked him if I could get the reports on what the sizes of the tumors are. So at the end of our visit, he printed out the report. He copied what was at the beginning and then last week's results. Way back when we had our first MRI and Dr. Olsen gave us the results, she gave us the measurements of 23 cm, 35 cm, 36 cm and 12 cm. With Natalee standing right there I didn’t want to emphasize the size by blurting out "Really 35 CMs?" I was shocked and could not figure out how this possibly could be. We were looking on the monitor, which showed the numbers. They were rather small to read but I still questioned her about them being centimeters not milimeters, and how they possibly fit in her lungs without causing some difficulty. So still back in my head I could not absorb this fact so I wanted to see it written on paper. This was the main reason for the request. Well, as I got in the car and started to look over the report I was totally amazed with what I read. The tumors were 2.3 cm and 3.5 cm and 3.6 cm and 1.2 cm - what a significant difference a digit can make. This means that her largest tumor which we thought was 35 cm (almost 14 inches) is actually 3.5 cm (with the decimal in there) it is just over 1 inch (1.18 inches). I was elated! I immediately called Kent to inform him, I could not hold back my emotions, this makes a world of difference on how my baby can have a quality of life. Everything became silent and it was obvious that Kent was also crying. This is the best news I have had for a long time, and it really changes my hope. I am grateful for that unsettled feeling I had just to make sure. I know God wanted me to have peace in my heart during this unsettled time and I felt it today in a magnificent way. This has been a heavy burden that has been hanging over me since we were told back in August.

So the wonderful news is the 4 largest tumors in her lungs are 1.1 cm, 1.7 cm, 3.1cm and 3.5 cm. She also had numerous fibrous tumors and nothing was mentioned in the report about them. Though this was not brought up by the doctors, in the report it stated that there is some activity in her spine on #1,#2 and #3 vertebrae but her spinal fluid still looks healthy.
Ok, MRI report for her abdomen area: the tumors have not grown! This was the area that showed some growing activity in our last report. I was expecting the worst today and that was a major relief to know it has been halted. So today is a marvelous, wonderful day. All because of one little decimal point, I love math!

2009-10-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

October 26, 2009

It has been short of a week since we received the results of Natalee’s scans. Though I wanted to do this sooner my emotions would not allow me. I have learned to take the information and put it on the shelf (so to speak) instead of internalizing it. But this time I took what was given and stored it in my heart and for that reason my heart has been heavy. The results we've received so far are from the CT Scan on the tumors in her lungs. We were told her tumors did not shrink. We were disappointed beyond all description. The Doctor emphasized that the purpose of this chemo was to halt the growth and this is great news! So good news is that they have not grown. It is our hope, and through much prayer that her tumors will be at bay until God's design can take place.

I know He who created all things and gave us our lives, is our architect. He has a grand design for each of us, if we seek for His help; it is just that I want what seems to be right to be done now. The truth is perfection takes time, and for Natalee to be healed and someday have a cure for this cancer is going to take time.

This coming Wednesday we will get the result from her MRI, which are the scans of her abdomen, back and pelvic area. Last time there was growth, so I will be thrilled to hear that they haven’t grown.

Natalee is on day 5 of this round. She seems to have a pattern where the first 3 days she does fine and then day 4 it hits her, which is the case. We decided to time our Girl Scouts Planning Party around her. Luck had it, on day 3 we made pizza, did some planning and watched a movie. She loved every moment of it, especially having her friends over. The next day, Sunday, Natalee woke up feeling nauseas, dizzy and very weak. It is reminding me of her first round though she said it is not as bad.

We believe in the power of prayer and ask that you continue to ask God to: #1 Inspire and direct those who are researching to find a cure for this type of Kidney Cancer. That the Spirit will help them be able to see with a clearer mind that which needs to be opened to their understanding. #2 That her doctors will take the right course of action, even if it means that she is sent to a specialty hospital for research. God is a God of miracles, and prayer is a big part of that process.

We love your visits and welcome your calls, our number is 503-590-4922.

Day 142 - Would love more prayers

2009-10-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

This is Natalee’s 3rd week on chemo and it is where her body starts taking a toll on her. The flip side, she has one week left and then she will be on her 2 week break - yay! This last visit to the doctor wasn’t too promising. Her platelet counts are very low, an average platelet count should be between 140 – 440; Natalee is at 42 units. The concerns are that she can bruise easily and bleed excessively. The doctors told us that if she starts to bleed out of her mouth or have blood in her stool, she needs to get in asap as this is a sign that she might be hemorrhaging internally. She needs to be careful because they don’t want her to get bumped or hit in the head. Natalee has several bruises on her arm and around her eyes and nose where she keeps rubbing, so if her count gets much lower they will do a platelet transfusion.

They are also concerned about her liver as all her readings were very high and that is a first for her. Her LDH is 481, usually her numbers are around 250 – 300 (the normal range is 100-275). If you can say a special prayer asking that her liver will not be affected we would be grateful. It is the liver that helps the tumors to respond to the chemo. Just one more week and then we can give her poor body a rest and give her blood cells time to rebuild.

The doctor asked Natalee how school was going and she had to say that she has only gone five times in the first four weeks. The doctor’s response was that she wasn’t expecting her to go that much since this specific chemo really makes the patient very tired. That was a relief to both Natalee and myself. It has been so hard for her because she really wants to go to school. Some days after she gets ready she is so exhausted that she can’t make it, but most of the time she is not feeling well. Most days her home tutor is able to come and teach her for one hour. Natalee is able to read a lot, she has read (the 7th grade reading) “The Lightning Thief” plus the other four books in that series. This summer she has also read a lot of books. There were several kids from school that gave her books to read, thank you; they have helped her through this time.

-Sherri

Pictures from Triliium Lake...

2009-09-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

Day 124

2009-09-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

Natalee is still getting stronger and feeling better. Before her surgery she had a lot of pain in her back due to what later we found out was the tumor that was pushing on her spine, then later it was the bone cancer which has constantly caused her discomfort. Exciting news: the past four days she has had no pain on her spine. That is a good indication that she has to be getting better. To what extent we don’t know for they didn’t do all the testing that they did at the end of her first round. That will happen at the end of this 3rd round which began this past Thursday. They did do an EKG and an Ultra Sound on her heart plus a Thyroid test.

Some of you may be wondering about schooling. Every day Natalee has a tutor who comes to the home and teaches her for an hour on Math and Language Arts. Then the last two hours of school 5th & 6th period she attends Science and History. The school has been so accommodating and wants to help Natalee be a part of the school experience. They are taking in the account that there will be times she will be missing her classes and will be lenient when it comes to her homework.

To celebrate the first week of school a friend invited her over for a sleepover. I told them she would not be able to make it through the night. Much to our surprise she stayed through the night and did so well. That is progress!

I would like to share one thought. The emotional and physical storms that our family has experienced from the beginning have settled. We have adjusted and learned to handle what comes our way. Part of this journey is seeing the tender mercies in the daily events of our lives. I feel God has given us comfort when we’ve needed comfort, opened doors and lightened our paths when we have had to make difficult choices. Our eyes have been opened to a clearer understanding, and I feel His grace upon us. We have been attended with so many kind-hearted people that have reached out to us. We are not free from worry but our burdens have been lightened, that I could say, we have peace. Natalee ceases to amaze us with her calmness and inner strength that she carries.

Day 111 - No News is Good News

2009-09-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

I am sure that many of you are wondering and worrying about Natalee since I haven’t posted any updates for several weeks. With the adage, ‘no news is good news’ that is true is this case. Just to give you a little window, sometimes with me coping as the mother of a cancer child, I chose to let this area go.

Natalee is done with her 2nd round. It has been 3 ½ months since all this has begun. We were given a wonderful gift from John and Patrice Parsons who have a mountain home at Government Camp, thank you my angels. We were able to stay there for almost a week, it was a wonderful retreat for our family. Nat's sisters, Janna and Britanee were able to stay there before they took off for college. They have been a real life saver during this time and have lifted our spirits so much, as also Nicole (our senior at Southridge HS). Natalee has not been as sick this time around but has experienced a lot of fatigue. Last round she always felt like she was going to throw up and hurt all the time. The doctors have said that because of the cells constantly changing, each round she will react differently, so we don’t know how she will be from round to round.

Tomorrow we are meeting with the teachers, principal and A house counselor to discuss how Natalee can hopefully attend a few classes. It is all an experiment at this stage, but the intent is for her to attend 2 classes at the end of the school day mainly for connections and then be tutored at home for the other required classes.

Check in a few more days and we hope to have some pictures from our beach and mountain trips!

There are many people that are reading Natalee's blog, to all of you, you are our friends, thanks for caring.

Day 84 - Tuesday Aug 5

2009-08-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

On Tues, Aug 5, Natalee went for her weekly visit with the doctors. They were surprised and excited to see how well she is doing compared to her first round. In fact, she has had three amazing weeks of feeling good, she has been able to walk and has had so much more energy to do things.

This past weekend we went to Oceanside and stayed at a friend's beach house, she said that helped her feel normal and was the best medicine just to be able to get away from being confined to the house. It was nice to see her laugh and be happy. Thanks Tim and Dana.

Natalee has put on enough weight to not be on the NG tube. Her appetite has improved and she is determined to eat even if she doesn't feel like it. I think having a tube down your nose is motivation enough, even if the food tastes like cardboard. Her favorites are still Orange Chicken and Taquito's.

One of the main reasons Natalee is feeling so much better is because she is now on thyroid medication (Levothyroxine). It is not unusual for someone on chemo to have their thyroid affected. Because of this Natalee will always be needing this medication even after she is over this journey.

Natalee's hair is changing colors, at first I noticed the part in her hair was getting wider, thinking she is losing her hair. Her sister Britanee was braiding her hair, and she noticed her hair is going white, giving the illusion that her hair was thinning.

Before Natalee started her chemotherapy Jenni Price came over and took some pictures of her. You can view here photos on her website: jennipricephotography.blogspot.com Click onto clients then scroll down to Walton. Then on the upper right corner you can click to view all 50 photos. If anyone can make me look good is a great photographer. You are awesome Jenni!

So many of you are telling me that you are still praying for Natalee. I can feel your prayers and know they are helping us so much. Thank you for your faith and prayers.

Day 76 - REVISED

2009-07-28T23:24:00.000-07:00

NOTE: I had to edit this, because originally I listed all the tumor sizes in millimeters, which (sadly) is incorrect. Sherri confirmed that the measurements listed below should be in centimeters. :-(
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today was the big meeting with our Doctor regarding their findings from the CT and MRI. Dr. Olsen said there is some good news; she never specifically said "the bad news is…" but you could figure that out on your own.

There are 4 large tumors that they were paying a lot of attention to. I was shocked at how large they are. The first one they showed us was 13 cm. OK, I can deal with that, especially since it is now down to 11 cm. The next one was 22 cm, down to 17 cm. There are two behind her heart and one was 36 cm, down to 31 cm. and the other was 35 cm, but had no change. So, the good news is that the chemo has shrunk the tumors in her lungs. This is great news in the long run, since this is the area that is the most life-threatening.

Natalee has some remaining tumors from her surgery that are in her pelvic and stomach area. They have actually grown a little. The Doctor felt it is probably because after the tumor was removed, the existing tumors got the information that there was now "room to grow." Since her tumor was large (the size of a football), it was only the outside that was actively growing. Additionally, in the area where the tumor was pushing on her spine we found out that it had invaded the bone and she does have a small amount of cancer in the bone.

Though some of this information is concerning, it is still hopeful knowing that the drug is being effective, especially in her lungs. One of the things the Doctor impressed upon us is that the Sunitinib (the drug) may not get rid of the cancer entirely, but in time it will be able to be maintained.

So with a little bit of a broken heart, we still know that there is good news, and that is what is important. I do have faith that Natalee will be cured completely of this cancer, it just will not be on my time. I do know that God has all power over every element, He created all things, even our bodies. Whether it is through God's hand personally, or Him divinely inspiring the Doctors and research teams, in time we will see the cure. There will be an end to all this.

We have had the most beautiful 1 ½ weeks. Natalee has been able to walk and eat, laugh and enjoy her friends and family, and to me that has been priceless. She will be starting her next round of chemo this Thursday. I am amazed at her strength and her constant willingness to endure what she has to endure. Nat never complains, she is truly a mighty angel.

Prayer requests:

1. That the chemo will affect the tumors in her stomach and pelvic area.
2. That the chemo will continue to shrink the tumors in her lungs.
3. That there will not be any cancer in her bones
4. That Natalee will be able to endure this round of her chemo.

Day 64

2009-07-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

Exciting news, Natalee has gained 3 lbs., and is off her chemo for a two week break!!! I noticed a big difference in her after one day on the NG tube. Before she wasn't able to pull herself up, I was doing all the work, so it was really exciting for her to have the strength to do it on her own. I know she is feeling better because when we went to Target she was chasing me around in her Wheel Chair.

She has been able to walk a little and hopefully by next Tuesday's visit there will be some major improvements. The Doctors felt that much of her decline was due to her weight loss, as it compounded her illness. To help others understand, chemo makes the cells change, which in turn alters the taste buds. So for her, sweet things are too sweet, and other things are too salty, spicy foods burn and the rest of the foods are bland. Who would ever think a kid would not like Ice Cream? Nothing tastes good except Orange Chicken & Chow Mien from Panda Express. It doesn't make sense but I am glad she likes something.

On Thursday (today) Nat goes into the hospital; she will have an MRI, followed by a CT scan, X-rays and finally an EKG. They will put her out for the first two (the MRI last 1 1/2 hours so I am glad she will be asleep). We will be at the hospital from 11:30 and the last appointment is at 3:45 pm.

Next week our Church is having girls camp, the plan is for her to go see the doctors on Tuesday, where they will give us updates on what they saw in the films, and if the tumors are shrinking. They will take out the NG tube (temporarily) so that she can go up to camp for the last three days. We are so excited for her to have a little bit of a normal life. After she gets back from camp she will go in and they will put the NG tube back down her nose. The Doctors want her to have the nutritional supplement for several months.

Natalee's talk is nasal so I have fun with misinterpretations...we do have a lot of laughs!

Thank you for all your prayers and support.

Day 56

2009-07-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

A note from Sherri:

Natalee had a bad weekend and couldn't get out of bed for 3 days. I just get so excited when she does good and I really don't like to share the bad side of things. We went to the doctor [on Tuesday] and she lost another 2 lbs. They felt it was important that she gets in-home care so they put a tube down her nose and the in-home service will come in and give her supplements (liquid food). She really is just skin and bones and pretty much lives in her bed. She hates the tube so when they told her that they had to do this she just cried, that was one of the most horrific things she remembers in the hospital. It was hard to see them try to get the tube down to her stomach, but the tube is small so she can eat food even though the tube is there. They want it to be in there for several weeks.

Yesterday we were at the hospital from 11:00 till 5:00 pm so please let everyone know that I really appreciate the meals. I was so emotionally worn out that it was nice to come home and not worry about getting a meal together.

On the positive note, my kids came up for the 4th so every one was here plus my sister and several of her family members, so we ended up having 18 people for the holiday. It was a bitter/sweet weekend, but I wouldn't change it.

Day 53

2009-07-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

Natalee had a good week. No major side effects or complications. She is very tired and doesn't walk much so the Doctor asked her to do 6 laps in the back yard or about 3 laps of a basketball court.

Dr. Olsen was very pleased that she her side effects are minimal and so are we! The blood test results are positive as her white blood and red blood counts are normal; her immune count was good. The best results were her LDH is 503; last week it was 600, so this is how they know that the chemo is working on her tumors. YAY! Life is beautiful!

Recent Pictures

2009-06-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the party!!

Forgive my indulgence

2009-06-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

As a patient, the hardest time can often be the treatment course or the healing process. I am not a psychologist, but my five major surgeries in the last seven years have given me a unique perspective. I've struggled with writing this for many days now, but am hopeful that sharing my experience generally will help Natalee & her family. Please know that I mean no disrespect to Natalee since her condition is very different and more serious than mine is and I am not attempting to speak for Natalee. I do know that understanding how it feels to be the patient of a life-changing medical event has helped me to be more empathetic.

When I was diagnosed with hip dysplasia the day before my 30th birthday, I was crushed and in denial. I'll be honest and say that there are many days that I am still "in denial" of the reality of my condition. My first reaction was an immature "I told you that something was wrong my hip" but the reality was that I was terribly frightened about what it meant and what changes I would be forced to make. My condition is in no way life-threatening, so I cannot imagine how much more difficult this would be with a cancer diagnosis.

At the initial diagnosis as well as the surgery there is a surge of service that is so comforting. It eased so much of my burden knowing that there were so many people who could and would take care of me and my family. Each time I learned about the need for another surgery or underwent the operation, the outpouring of love and prayers helped me to feel a lot of peace. Especially during and immediately after surgery. My family was the recipient of countless acts of love and service; people brought us dinner, cleaned our house, did my laundry (yes, it was embarrassing, but I was so grateful), showed up randomly to clean gutters and mow lawns, drove our kids places, visited, sent cards and emails and called. It was overwhelming and inspiring and so very appreciated.

For me, the difficult time came about 4-5 weeks after each surgery. I would feel better since the worst of the pain had passed, but still faced a year-long recovery. I started feeling guilty about the meals that were coming to the house once I wasn't bed-bound. I was on crutches, but I was getting to go places and started to feel more mobile. I did a pretty good job of hiding any pain or discouragement I was feeling because I didn't want to be a "downer." People continually asked how I was doing, and I got tired of the honest answer being "not good," so I was always ready to smile and say that I was improving.

I was well-enough to get around, but not healed enough to do basic things like laundry or cleaning. Even though people offered repeatedly, I struggled with accepting help because I already felt like people had done enough and surely there were people with greater needs than mine. My visiting teachers were so good to me each time, and always offered to do more, but I always felt like somehow I would be taking advantage of the help.

It was very easy to get discouraged during this time because I felt like I was completely out of the loop. Life goes on for everyone, as it should, but because I couldn't do the same things and same activities, I felt disconnected. It was partly a situation of my own making, and yet I didn't know how to fix it. It sounds terribly immature, but often in group settings I felt awkward because there were inside jokes that I didn't understand (I have learned to hate the phrase "you had to be there") or experiences that people bonded over that I wasn't able to participate in. This was the time that I needed the most support. There wasn't anything new or exciting happening, just the everyday recovery experiences along with the roller coaster emotions, but I needed people to keep walking my journey with me. I was incredibly blessed all five times to have friends and family tough it out the entire time. Luckily, I'm done with the surgeries, because I don't know if they would hang around for a sixth one. :-)

I do not know if Natalee is feeling like this or not, but regardless I do know that they need us to step forward with love and encouragement now more than ever. The initial crisis has passed, but with Natalee's condition we need to continue to pray as fervently as we have in the past. We need to keep doing everything we can to keep her "in the loop" as much as she wants to be. I've been impressed with how much Natalee's friends have done for her and want you to know that your love and service are genuinely felt and mean more than you know.

Day 42 - Good Days & Bad Days

2009-06-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

The chemo treatment has gone smoothly some days and other days are just plain rotten. The pharmacist cautioned Sherri to make sure that Nat took her anti-nausea pill every four hours without fail, since this is a very harsh drug. The first few days she did really great and was eating and moving around. Then she felt pretty sick, was in pain with light and sound sensitivity. She slept a lot, had a fever, said that foods tasted metallic (she said that her two favorite foods, bacon and lasagna tasted horrible), and ended up losing 8 lbs. However, she is doing better now and the fever is gone so we are hoping for better days. The good news from her doctor appointment yesterday is that her white & red blood cell counts were at the top of the scale chart...yay!!

One of the things that Sherri has learned about the drug is that it attacks the fast growing cells (the cells with the fastest turnover rate). Unfortunately, besides the cancer cells, other things like hair, fingernails, skin, and the lining of the stomach are also fast growing cells, which is why chemo patients often lose their hair. With Natalee, the greater concern is that she could break out with a rash on her skin: inside of her stomach, inside of her mouth, and then of course her hands and feet. This isn't a guaranteed side effect, but it is likely to happen and would be very uncomfortable. Sherri would like us to pray that the chemo will put more energy on the cancer cells and not on her "good cells."

At the beginning of this ordeal, we requested a little bit of breathing space for the family and everyone has been very respectful of that. However, now they need less breathing room and more hugs and support. Sherri would really welcome phone calls and visits (call first:503.590.4922). If it isn't a good time, she won't answer the phone, so don't let that stop you from calling her or Natalee up to offer your love and support. These times can get lonely and discouraging now that certainty of Natalee's condition is known and the treatment course is set, so please continue to pray for Natalee and her family to be uplifted during the struggles ahead.

Day 34

2009-06-16T13:31:00.001-07:00

Wahoo! Natalee has put on 4 lbs and her energy is increasing. She was able to attend the last day of school and zoomed all over field day in her wheelchair. I've posted pics taken that day:

She started on her medication last night (Monday 06/15). It has taken all this time to get the insurance to cover the treatment because it costs approximately $7,000 per month. In retrospect, it has been nice not having the meds covered simply because it has given her extra time to heal and strengthen before she starts down this rough road. Our prayers are needed now as much as possible that the drugs will shrink the cancer nodes and that Natalee will be able to cope with the side effects.

Day 28

2009-06-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

Natalee had a follow-up appointment yesterday with her surgeon, Dr. Sanjay Krishnaswami. He felt like Natalee was recovering well. He had some concerns before the surgery that she may have scoliosis because the tumor was in the back area and was actually pushing on her spine. However, he feels like that isn't anything to worry about now, so great news. He definitely wants her to gain some weight, and Sherri says that Natalee is finally getting an appetite, so bring on the milkshakes & high-caloric foods!

They were also able to visit with her oncologist, Dr. Olsen, as well. She had some pretty exciting information. At our last visit, Sherri told Dr. Olsen that she felt inspired that Dr. Olsen needed to contact research centers in Arkansas & Pennsylvania. I remember the look on Dr. Olsen's face when Sherri said that - a combination of "I-guess-it-can't-hurt" and "is-she-crazy?"

Surprising only to Dr. Olsen, she announced that when she contacted Arkansas Children's Cancer Clinic, she learned that they are doing some breakthrough research on RCC with a drug that is being used in India & Europe. She said that Sherri's "premonitions" must be right. Dr. Olsen is going to be very active following this new drug, and she was very excited about it and will consider using it to treat Natalee. It is important that we get Natalee started on her treatment right away, so she'll start taking the Sunitinib, keeping our eyes on this new drug.

Clarification: Originally when we were learning about Nat's treatment options, we were told that RCC did not respond to traditional chemotherapy. While that is still true, the drug Sunitinib is still considered chemotherapy. Generally, the term "chemotherapy" refers to treatment of disease by chemicals, and is mostly used to describe cancer treatments. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused.

Day 24

2009-06-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

From Sherri:
To all you beautiful people that have offered prayers, best wishes, warm comments, you have given great synergy through your faith and positive thoughts, THANK YOU. You have lifted our family in times when we couldn't pick ourselves up.

I know we have had wonderful miracles under God's hands, and we will see more. His tender mercies have given us so much peace, comfort and hope when it seemed impossible.

Natalee’s treatment is all-iffy. Since it is an experimental drug it may or may not work. There is a long list of side effects; some could be long lasting others that could be harsh during treatment.

These are the miracles we are asking that you pray for:

That this drug will be effective on Natalee’s tumors that is in her lungs, and any remaining cells from her surgery.
That her body can endure the treatment.
That her body will increase in health and strength (she has lost another 8lbs. in one week).
To protect her other kidney and that she will never have a recurrence of this cancer.
That the tumor that was sectioned and sent to many cancer clinics will find answers for a strong cure of this cancer.

Again thank you for your continuing prayers, for your calls, concerns and most of all for the visits, it is good for Natalee.

With grateful hearts,
The Walton family

Day 22 just a few more that wouldn't fit in the other post

2009-06-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

maneuvering the wheelchair down all the walkway stairs

McKenna, Madeline & Nichell

Day 22 - Yesterday's meeting with the doc

2009-06-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

Kent, Sherri & Natalee met with Dr. Olsen, Natalee's oncologist, yesterday (I hung out in the room too, so I could understand the treatment plan and be able to share it on the blog). Dr. Olsen consulted with several different doctors and cancer centers to help determine what the best course of action would be. She spoke with Dr. Brendan Curti at Providence Cancer Center, with the doctor at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston who is running the clinical trial as discussed earlier, as well as oncologists at the Mayo Clinic and UCSF (where they are currently running a clinical trial on the drug that Natalee will be using).

After analysis and testing on the tumor, they were able to determine that there were a great deal of VEGF proteins in the tumor, which gives them information on what the cancer's characteristics are and how to fight or supress.

Dr. Olsen decided to place Natalee on sunitinib (phonetically, it is sue-NIT-tin-ib, the brand name is Sutent). She will take 37.5 mg once a day (in capsule form), every day for 28 days. Then she will take a drug holiday for 14 days. Those two events are considered one cycle. She will undergo 9 cycles of treatment. At the end of each cycle there are tests and scans to measure and assess how effectively the drug is working.

The side effects that the doctor is most concerned about are:

hand-foot syndrome
diarrhea
high blood pressure

Some other side effects could include:

nausea
skin discoloration
it could make her hair lighter in color
altered taste

As a result of the side effects, Natalee will have to limit her involvement in basketball and volleyball. :-( She needs to keep her body protected from any activity that is jarring on her bones.

Natalee has three separate groups of enlarged nodes, two on her left lung and one on the right lung. At the beginning of the second cycle of treatment, they will take another full set of bone scans and then again at the beginning of every even-numbered cycle (fourth, sixth, eighth) to see if the spots in her lungs are shrinking. Most likely, after the insurance authorizes the medication (it costs approximately $7,000 per month for this drug), they will start the treatment next week, maybe Tuesday or Wednesday.

Today marks the 14th day after her surgery, and she was able to go to the appointment yesterday with absolutely no pain pills. Not even Tylenol! She looks great and demanded a milkshake and fries on the way home from the appointment, as she needs to put on some weight.

Just one more note, Natalee needs to avoid grapefruit juice and St. John's Wort while she's on the sunitinib. So if you were planning on making her cookies laced with St. J's Wort, you'll have to scrap those plans. I'm pretty sure she'll prefer chocolate chip anyway. ;-)

Day 22 - More Pictures

2009-06-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

After surgery pics - look how great she looks!

with Meleah & Mackenzie

with Madeline & McKenna

candy bar poster made by her Beehive class (at church)

Janna pushing her in the hospital garden

Brittany's college roommate (Sarah, I think) & Brittany with Nat in the hospital

Day 22 - Pictures

2009-06-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Some pictures of Natalee just before surgery with her family

With Ryan

With Janna, Ryan, Nicole & Brittany

Everyone! Sherri, Janna, Kent, Ryan, Lindsay (Ryan's wife), Nicole, Brittany & Natalee of course

Day 20

2009-06-02T12:29:00.001-07:00

No news is always good news! I have nothing to post except that there are at least 15 new pictures that will be going up on the slideshow shortly. Oh, and Sherri & Kent will meet with the oncologist tomorrow to discuss a treatment plan, so when I hear how that goes, I'll post and let you know!

Day 18

2009-05-31T10:59:00.000-07:00

Natalee loves being home! The weather has been amazing and she has buoyed her spirits. Her pain is lessening and she may be able to switch to just Tylenol shortly, which is not surprising to those of us who are expecting miracles, but truly a miraculous event so soon after such major surgery.

She has enjoyed having visitors and really loves being taken for wheelchair rides. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous this week, so call to see if you can come visit Natalee and take her and the wheelchair out for a spin. She would love having friends come over to play games too. The Walton's have some games, but it is always fun to try new ones too.

I thought I would address some of the questions that Sherri (or myself) get asked about Natalee and where we are going from here. Kind of Natalee's own FAQ:

Q. Did they get all the tumor out in surgery?

A. The surgeon said that he cleaned it out as thoroughly as he could, however, the cancer can consist of microscopic particles. Essentially, the doctors do not know if they got it all.

~~~~~~~~~~

Q. When we Natalee start her treatment for the remaining cancerous spots?

A. The plan is to let Natalee's body heal from the surgery so that it can be strong enough to withstand the harsh effect of the cancer treating drugs. They said initially that it could be anywhere from 2-4 weeks after surgery.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Will she be traveling to Houston to see the doctor who is running the clinical trial as discussed in previous posts?

A. At this point, the oncologist isn't sure that is the best course of action. The difficulty with sending Natalee to see that particular doctor is that he has never worked with pediatric patients who have RCC. In fact, that is a huge difficulty at this point. There are several doctors (even some great ones locally), who have a great deal of experience with RCC, but none of them have experience with the pediatric disease. The cancer has to be treated much differently in a child than an adult for many reasons.

The doctors are searching everywhere to try to find a single doctor who has treated a child with RCC and haven't had any luck yet. There is no data out there due to the rarity of the disease occurring in children. In fact, Natalee's tumor is the first pediatric RCC tumor that will be tagged for research in the United States. Kent has read that it is estimated that only 2 children per year are diagnosed with RCC in the entire United States.

So we are asking people to pray fervently that the doctors will be able to find someone who has treated a pediatric patient with RCC.

~~~~~~~~~~

One last note, as Natalee's condition changes less rapidly, there is simply less to post. I will post as often as I have information and am still looking for people who have taken pictures from visits or videos that I can post here. Sherri is also hoping to write something for the blog as well; but obviously, she has a lot going on right now. She does sincerely want everyone to know how much your prayers have meant for their family, and she is truly grateful for all the help and support. The meals and lawn care and household help has been amazing and a real blessing to them all. Thank you again.

Natalee is home!

2009-05-28T18:45:00.001-07:00

Just got word that Natalee is home from the hospital now!

Day 15

2009-05-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

Natalee is now off of the epidural for pain relief and they have switched her to OxyContin. Unfortunately, it puts her right out and makes her moody and uncomfortable. She hasn't been up for visitors since the switch was made, so they are going to do some experimentation today to find a better pain management option for the day and then take the OxyContin at night.

We are also hopeful that Natalee will get to go home today, and will post as soon as we find out.

Sherri feels like she is being reminded that even though the surgery was successful and even though we feel like she is going to recover, we can't let up on our fervent prayers. Those prayers will have an impact on how she recovers. It is easy to slip into a more relaxed mode of feeling that all will be well, but there is still a long road to go. Specifically, Sherri is asking us to pray that the doctors make the right choices as far as what to do next.

She asked the oncologist about the next step, and the doctor said that they are just mainly trying to collect as much data as possible to determine what should happen. Sherri wants the doctors to have open hearts and minds to all the information that is out there so that they can develop the best treatment plan for Natalee. Thank you for the prayers you have given throughout the day as well as the prayers you've kept in your hearts.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to have the patience the Lord asks us for. When we have a goal or a recovery point that is on the far horizon, taking the time to map out the best route can be incredibly difficult. Sometimes inertia feels like movement in the wrong direction. We want so badly to be doing something that gets us closer to our destination and the waiting can subject us to roller coaster feelings of hopefulness and helplessness, anxiety and joy and frustration. But I know from experience that no matter how much I want everything to run accordingly to my schedule, that I can only to pray and be open to promptings from the Lord and understand that His timetable is the one that we are following. So while we wait for a plan for Natalee, we can continue our fervent prayers for the doctors to have the insight and information necessary to do what they do best, and know that the faith and patience required is what we can be doing now.

Day 14

2009-05-27T06:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to the hospital to see Natalee until last night and I'm really impressed with her progress. She really looks great! Members of her basketball team came to visit her last night and her face was lit up and she had her spark back (even though there are similarities, I'm not referring to the All Spark from Transformers which was used to bring mechanical and electronic objects to life).

She was able to move from her bed to her chair and the physical therapist has plans for her to be able to walk from her bed to door and then to be able to walk to the end of the hallway. She can pull herself up and really is healing at a miraculous pace.

They asked the doctor how many stitches he put in Natalee, and he said that he completely lost count. There are stitches in multiple layers and those he said were in the hundreds. The whip stitching to close everything up is over a thousand. Natalee was quite proud of that - she'll be able to win any "who has more stitches" contests.

The best news is that she is expected to be able to go home in a few days! The PT wants to make sure she can walk down the hallway first, but the surgeon said in the next day or two, so we'll see what it happens. Most likely the PT will win and she'll have to do the walking, but with as fast as she is recovering it shouldn't be a problem.

Once again, thank you for all the prayers on Natalee's behalf. We are seeing amazing things happen with her and we know it is all due to the faith that is being exercised from so many people.

Day 12

2009-05-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

Yay! Out of ICU and into a regular room last night. The hospital staff is amazed at how quickly Natalee is recovering from such a long surgery. She was able to sit up yesterday (which she had to do before they would let her out of ICU) and she can move her leg quite a bit. She still has some pain of course, and is having a hard time speaking because her throat hurts (due to the intubation during surgery). She does have an epidural and will get to keep it for another week or so (thank you modern medicine).

The plan for today is to have a little physical therapy; they would like to get her walking a bit. If ever there was a time when I needed prayers, it was the first day of physical therapy. It can be very discouraging when your body doesn't work the way it used to, so please give Natalee extra prayers today that she will be able to be patient with herself and her recovery. Sherri says that she is just as independent as ever, hasn't wanted to have the ice chips fed to her unless she could do it herself.

Sherri is concerned about her cell phone minutes, so she is asking that people call directly to the room now if they want to get a hold of her. The number that she gave me is 503.413.1313, and Natalee is in room 3524.

Sherri really feels peace and comfort and is so grateful for all the prayers on Natalee and the family's behalf. Natalee is starting to be able to take a visitor or two a day, and would like to see some of her friends. Please call first and talk to Sherri to see if it is a good day to visit, and please understand that Natalee gets overwhelmed easily so some days just won't work for visiting. She is grateful for all the love that she feels.

Day 11

2009-05-24T11:25:00.001-07:00

Natalee spent most of Saturday in recovery mode. As the day wore on she became more alert and was even watching TV when the family arrived to see her. She was in some pain (not surprisingly) and had a slight lung infection, but generally the outlook has been positive.

After the concerns of nerve damage in her leg, the surgeon came in on Friday to check her legs and when he asked her to move her knee she was able to! That is a miracle for they were sure she would have to relearn how to move her leg.

The family is hopeful that Natalee will be able to leave the ICU today and into a regular room. More updates later on...

Day 9

2009-05-22T07:40:00.000-07:00

Natalee's surgery finally ended around midnight. She will be in the intensive care unit most likely until Sunday. The surgeon came out around 10-10:30 to tell them that everything went really well in the abdominal area. However, in the pelvic area there was a lot of blood vessel and nerve ending involvement with the tumor, and he didn't think he'd be able to remove the tumor without damaging her leg irreparably. At midnight he came out to tell them that they didn't have to amputate, which is a huge relief. Some of the nerves were damaged, so she'll need to have physical therapy to learn how to use the leg again. He did get out as much of the tumor as possible.

They are keeping Natalee sedated for most of today to help her body recover. Sherri is very fatigued as she has been fasting for quite a while and hasn't been able to get much sleep. She was headed down to get some breakfast after we spoke, and she is hoping to get some rest today. Obviously, Natalee isn't ready for any visitors the rest of this week, and then they will evaluate the situation once she is moved out of the ICU.

We can't decorate her ICU room, but as soon as she is moved out we'd like to fill the walls with posters and pictures of her friends. I know that several people have been making videos, if you can email those to me or drop by a DVD I will convert it to iPod format for her to watch.

Surgery Update

2009-05-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just spoke with Sherri. It looks like Natalee has another 2-3 hours left in the surgery. A fifth year resident (think Bailey on Grey's Anatomy) came out to speak with them just a few minutes ago and told them that the surgery was going beautifully. The tumor is sticking to itself which has made it easier to remove. There was a concern that they could cause damage to the internal organs while trying to remove the tumor, and they haven't had any trouble with that at all. The best news is that there hasn't been any problems with bleeding, so they are very pleased. The doctor told Sherri this morning that he was planning on taking his time to be as thorough as possible.

So, I will post another update when I hear one, but it probably won't be for another few hours at best. Clearly, your faith and prayers and fasts have made a difference. Thank you so much!

Day 8 - Natalee's Prayer

2009-05-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Sherri asked me to post these scriptures that she is referring to as Natalee's Prayer:

Psalms 55: 1, 4-6 & Psalms 57: 1-3

Give ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not thyself from my supplication.

My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.

Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me.

And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.

Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast.

I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me.

He shall send from heaven, and save me from the reproach of him that would swallow me up. Selah. God shall send forth his mercy and his truth.

Specifically today, when praying for Natalee in surgery we do want to ask that your prayers include a blessing that Natalee's main artery that leads into her organs will be shielded from the surgeons knives. The risk of hemorrhaging is high and we want her to be as protected as possible.

We know that several large groups of people are fasting today, the missionaries at the MTC (Missionary Training Center) in Provo, the youth of the Summerlake Ward as well as many families, friends and caring people from all over the United States. Thank you for being there for Natalee & her family when they need you the most. This type of service is anonymous and the most greatly appreciated since it is truly a sacrifice in behalf of someone else. Please know how grateful we are, and we know that you will be blessed for the sacrifices that you are making.

As updates are available, I will absolutely post the minute I know anything.

More Love for Natalee

2009-05-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

Actually, this is just of one of so many touching things that I have heard about but it's the first one that I was able to get pictures of.

Natalee's basketball team had a game today, and they all wore a special sock that their coach made for them.

Thank you so much to Cassie for sending the link to this, to Coach Darryl for his brilliant idea, and for Natalee's teammates.

I can't figure out how to get the video from Cassie's Picasa Album, but I have a link to it here!

Day 7 - Update

2009-05-20T22:35:00.001-07:00

Just spoke with Sherri and it looks like the surgery won't start until 1:30 on Thursday. Please please pray for Natalee tomorrow. This surgery will be very tough for her; she will likely be in the ICU for a day or so after the surgery. More updates as they come.

Day 7

2009-05-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Great news! The doctor called this morning and they have surgery scheduled for tomorrow (Thursday May 21). Natalee will be admitted back into the hospital this afternoon around 2 pm to do pre-surgical preparations and diagnostics.

The surgery is a big one, and is expected to take several hours (4-5). Sherri didn't remember if they told her the exact time, but I think it will be first thing in the morning (I always had to be at the hospital at 5 am for a 7 am surgery - ick!).

We'd like to ask if those who can would be willing to fast again tomorrow during the surgery. The procedure tomorrow is a very important step in helping Natalee to beat the cancer, so we'd love to have everyone united in faith and healing prayers and positive images. We're envisioning the tumor sticking to itself and withdrawing from her healthy tissue so that the doctors have an easy time removing it.

We are hoping to post more pictures of Natalee, especially recent ones, so if you have some that you could email to me, I'd love to post them here. What Natalee would really like are pictues of her with her friends, so send me them as attachments as possible. My email address is joanna.wilbur@gmail.com.

Natalee, I want you to know how much you are in our hearts; we are all praying for you night and day and all the time in between. Quite literally, nearly everyone that I know is praying for you in one form or another. I can't say that I know how you are feeling, but I can say that I know how much you are loved, not just by your family and friends and acquaintances and community, but by your Heavenly Father. We are all priviledged to walk a portion of this journey with you and be part of your support group, and just think of the party that we'll have when you are all better! You'll do great with the surgery and I can't wait to show you all the fun things we are planning for you during recovery time. You definitely have a lot of great things to look forward to!

Day 6

2009-05-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

--Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, speaking of his mother:
"... she would “call on the Lord with perfect confidence when special blessings were needed.” In her prayers, she would speak to the Lord of her covenants with Him, “almost reminding the Lord that we had paid our tithes and offerings, that the desired blessing was, as nearly as we could judge, a righteous desire, that we were serving in our various callings to the best of our ability, and that now we were laying hold on the Lord’s promises. I can’t communicate the sincerity and the fervor of those pleas. Or the sincerity of the way she lived. … Because my mother had no doubts about the Lord’s reality and his ability to answer her prayers, I haven’t either. … This is a very personal thing to talk about and I don’t very often, because it’s hard to do without sounding overconfident. But I would be scared to death to try and undertake something without asking for the Lord’s help, so I always pray for that help, and I’ve never failed to get it.”

"How often have we prayed something like, "O Lord, be with cousin Billy now in a special way"? Have we stopped to consider what it is we're requesting? Imagine that you are a parent who is preparing to leave your children with a babysitter. Would you dream of saying, "O Betsy, I ask you now that you would be with my children in a special way?" No way. You would say, "Betsy, the kids need to be in bed by 9 pm. They can have one snack before their baths, and please make sure they finish their homework. You can reach us at this number if there's any problem. Any questions before we go?" We are very specific with our requests and instructions for our babysitters. We want them to know specifics. It should be no different with prayer."
--David Jeremiah

Sherri has asked for everyone to be very specific in their prayers right now for Natalee. These are the things that she would like us to pray for:

That the tumor will start gelling together so that when the surgeons go in to take it out it can be removed cleanly
That the surgeons will be in good health and sound mind during the surgery
That the tumor will stop growing
That surgery could be scheduled for Friday to get the tumor out as soon as possible

Now that the shock and numbness of the diagnosis are starting to wear off, Sherri says that she is feeling great comfort from the comments on the blog and that Natalee really appreciates this too. She feels like the ability to be able to read and reread the uplifting thoughts and prayers is helping to their burden.

No word yet from the surgeons on a possible date for surgery, but will post it here as soon as we know.

Day 5 - Diagnosis

2009-05-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

I’ve started this blog entry several different times, but still haven’t found the right words to ease into this information. The diagnosis is renal cell carcinoma. It is very rare in children. It started in her left kidney and the doctors do not know what causes this cancer in children. Because it is so rare, there is not an established treatment method.

We do know that chemotherapy has not been effective at treating RCC. The plan is to go ahead and remove the diseased kidney and as much of the tumor as possible. In some circumstances, when tumors have been removed, the other metastatic lesions (such as the ones in her lungs) have shrunk on their own, and we are hoping for that scenario.

Additionally, after Natalee has recovered from the surgery, she will begin a treatment of some drugs that have had success in the past at stopping the growth of the cancer. There is a doctor in Houston who is currently running a clinical trial for people with RCC, and Dr. Olson had just consulted with him prior to our meeting. He felt like the drugs that he was using in his trials were available in Portland and that Natalee would do better to undergo the treatment at her home. He was very willing to work with Dr. Olson and assist her in treatment options so that was very encouraging. It is likely that the Walton’s will travel to Houston for a second opinion after the surgery, and if there is an option to join the clinical trial they will consider that.

Dr. Olson was hoping to get the surgery scheduled as soon as possible, so it will likely be the end of this week or beginning of next. It is a big surgery and is complicated to schedule, but they are hoping to bump Natalee ahead of other scheduled patients.

Natalee has felt a great deal of fatigue this weekend and is worn out. To help keep Natalee as healthy as possible in preparation for surgery, Sherri & Kent would like to ask that people wait to visit Natalee until after the surgery. She does read her blog and is grateful for the comments and support and love that she has received.

This is going to be a very difficult battle and recovery and we again request fervent prayers on her behalf. We will continue to post needs as they arise and will keep everyone updated.

If you are interested in sending a card and don't have her address, please send it to me and I'll take it over immediately:

Natalee Walton
% J Wilbur
12185 SW Summer St
Tigard OR 97223

Thank you for your love and support during this difficult time.

Day 4

2009-05-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much to everyone who participated in the fast today. I know that the entire Walton family is grateful for the outpouring of love and support.

Tomorrow at 3:30 pm there will be a consult with the doctors. They should have enough of the test results back and are planning on establishing a treatment plan. We plan to update the blog as soon as we have information from that meeting.

I know that Natalee enjoyed her weekend and being home with her family and watching movies. She was able to read the blog and really enjoyed the comments posted. Once we know what the treatment plan is, we'll update the blog on a daily basis as to whether Natalee is up for visitors or not. She definitely misses her friends!

Keep her in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow in the afternoon, and we'll update the blog sometime that evening.

Day 2 - Weekend Furlough Granted

2009-05-15T14:58:00.001-07:00

The docs did decide to set Natalee free for the weekend, so after the PET scan (right about now) they will head up to Emanuel to check out and then will go and enjoy the weather. They are excited to have a nice quiet weekend with their family. They continue to express their gratitude for all the love and support, plus Natalee is excited to read the comments posted on her blog. Thank you all very much!

By the way, Janna (who is home from her freshman year of college) is looking for a summer job to help pay for her schooling, so if anyone knows of any openings, please let us know. I'm going to add my two cents and say that she is a delightful, talented young woman who I would offer a job to in a heartbeat - too bad she wasn't here during tax season :-).

Day 2

2009-05-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Good news! Natalee had her heart ultrasound this morning, and they said her heart looks good. There wasn't a great deal of concern about it, but we are happy to celebrate the positives. Still no news yet as to the results of the bone scan and biopsy, but the doctors did say that they are still checking to see if they "got enough" [tissue] from the biopsy and should know that shortly.

Natalee did beat everyone at Rack-O today and it was her first time playing the game! Clearly her competitive spirit hasn't been dulled. I also heard that she is not happy about having her 5th grade picture posted on the blog and really wants her 6th grade picture up instead. I don't have it, so if anyone can email it to be that would be great!

This afternoon they are heading over to Providence Portland for the PET scan and are hoping to take a little "extra time" before heading back to Emanuel. There is hope that she might be allowed a short sabbatical from the hospital on Saturday, but no word for sure yet. Will keep you updated...

Day 1

2009-05-14T15:51:00.000-07:00

This isn't the first day of Natalee's illness, but its the first day of the blog, and we decided that the best way to keep everyone updated and keep the phone from ringing off the hook was to make as much information available as possible. Plus, we know how easy it is for information to get confused or distorted.

Last week Natalee started experiencing some severe (but inconsistent) stomach pain. After visiting her primay care physician and undergoing the first of many diagnostic tests, she was found to have a large tumor in her stomach. At that point the doctor referred her to Legacy Emanuel Hospital for further testing and review.

Since she has been admitted, Natalee has undergone multiple biopsies, ultrasounds, CT scans, x-rays and all sorts of blood work. A full body bone scan was completed this afternoon. Tomorrow morning she is scheduled for a heart ultrasound and then she will undergo a PET scan in the afternoon at Providence Portland.

Natalee's team of doctors, led by Dr. Janice Olson, have determined that Natalee does in fact have cancer, however, they do not yet know what type, or what stage the cancer has progressed to.

What we do know is this:

The tumor is large and has displaced Natalee's left kidney
They have found "spots" in her kidney & lung
The tentative treatment plan currently calls for the use of chemotherapy to shrink the tumor and other cancers to make them easier to remove
The doctors are being very cautious before making any kind of specific diagnosis; it could take up to a week before they have all the data necessary

Natalee is being incredibly brave, but she is frightened and tired of being poked and prodded (and who wouldn't be in the same situation). This is all very overwhelming and difficult for the family to process, especially as they wait for a diagnosis and a treatment plan.

Sherri has asked me to act as an liasion and I will update this blog as soon as I receive new information. She would like me to convey her gratitude for all the support and love and prayers.