Monday, February 28, 2011
Natalee is an Auntie
On February 18, 2011 Natalee became an aunt. In my heart I hope she was able to witness such a sacred event seeing her niece come into this life. Her name is ' Jayden Natalee Walton '. As Grandparents we are ecstatic. I can't help but believe that timing was in the planning, for if she was born soon after Natalee had passed away I know the pain I was going through would have robbed such a wonderful event.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
3 months ago
It's hard to believe that it has been three months since my last posting. I wish that I could fill you in, for there are things that needed to be shared. About two month ago, actually it was exactly five months (November 7) since Natalee had passed this life that I was hit with this insurmountable grief and I could not understand why I was going through more storms. Remember how I said that I felt I was off the boat and on solid ground? Well I discovered that this was only a temporary leave, and again I was forced to get on that stupid boat. (You have to understand, I don't like being on boats) so darn-it here we go again. My conclusion: I believe our mind can handle only so much when you lose a love one. So at first we went through shock and denial that helped buffer having too much grief all at once. So God gave us this brain that can monitor our grief a little at a time. I believe that at five months a window was opened and the reality hit stronger that my sweet Natalee is gone. With the emotions that I was going through, I just could not write.
I feel like I can finally breathe now that the holidays are behind us. Being our first Christmas without Nat was a very bitter-sweet experience, the sweet because all our children were home. The bitter I don't even need to explain. The best way to compare this about my friend who after giving birth to twins lost one at birth. I questioned her how she could deal with the two extreme contrasts. At moments she felt the joy of her living child and that would be erased feeling guilty because of her loss. When her sorrow was overcome with the loss of her child it was robbing her from enjoying the life that was still with her. I really related to that experience and find strong similarities. One special moment for me was when our family went to see "The Dawn Treader" it was an amazing experience for me. there were some lines in that movie that gave peace to my soul. Odd I cant remember the lines just the experience. So now I have to go back and take notes. Maybe I will share those thoughts later.
I was told that when a person looses a
3 months has gone by
It's hard to believe that three months have gone by since I last posted. There are so many things that I wished to have shared but I just couldn't write. Back two months ago exactly 5 months to the day, (November 7) I was hit with this insurmountable grief and I could not understand why all the sudden I was going through more storms. Remember how I said that I felt I was off the boat and on solid ground. Well I discovered that this was only a temportary leave, and again I was forced to get on that stupid boat. (You have to understand that I don't like being on boats) so darn-it here we go again. My conclusion: I believe our minds can handle only so much information when we lose someone very close to us. So at first we went through shock and denial that help buffer having too much grief at one time. I don't think our minds and bodies can handle the reality all at one time. So God gave us this brain that can monitor our grief a little at a time. I believe that at our 5th month mark, a window was opened and the reality hit stronger that my sweet Natalee is gone. With these emotions these past few months, I just couldn't write.
Many commented how Christmas would be so hard because it was our first without our Natalee. That is true, a bitter-sweet. Sweet because all our children were home. Bitter, well I don't even need to explain. The best way to compare this is from a friend, who after giving birth to twins, one of them died. I asked her how she could deal with the two extreme contrasts. At moments she felt the joy of her living baby then would feel so guilty because of the sorrow that accompanied the loss of her other baby. When she was feeling the sorrow of her lost child, again there was guilt because she should be enjoying the new given life that was in her arms. I really related to that experience and find strong similarities. One of my favorite things during the holidays was going as a family to see "The Dawn Treader" there were so many messages that resonated in my soul. I felt lifted but I can't tell you specfics. So I am planning on going again to write them down.
I was told that our belief system would change after you lose a child. That is true. I have had to walk through the valley of death where it is not well lit. It is lonely at times and hard to see and feel. No one can carry you; it is a struggle that I have had to do on my own. My belief system has come around full circle and has only gotten deeper. So with this past Christmas, I didn't send cards or share what is most important. I still believe in Christ! He lives, He is the Savior to all the world. His whole mission of coming to the earth was to break the bands of death so that we too can have the joy of the ressurrection. His atonement in the Garden of Gethsemane sured us a place in a perfect society. What a comfort it is to know that we will see our Natalee again.
At times it is hard for me to attend Church. I don't want to hear about others' miraculous healing, I hate hearing the word cancer. I am so sensiteive to a lot of subjects so that when I come home from Church, I feel like I have been beaten up. I still go but it is hard on me and sometimes I just can"t go
This Friday was an awesome day. Twelve of Natalee's friends came over after school. We talked, ate congo bars, watched the movie "The Spiderwick Chronicles" This was the second time we also had a get together at Halloween time. It felt so good to have my daughters friend around. I still have an open door policy. There are times when it is hard to see these kidsgrow up before me, but I can deal with it. Thank you for coming over it was priceless to me.
Many commented how Christmas would be so hard because it was our first without our Natalee. That is true, a bitter-sweet. Sweet because all our children were home. Bitter, well I don't even need to explain. The best way to compare this is from a friend, who after giving birth to twins, one of them died. I asked her how she could deal with the two extreme contrasts. At moments she felt the joy of her living baby then would feel so guilty because of the sorrow that accompanied the loss of her other baby. When she was feeling the sorrow of her lost child, again there was guilt because she should be enjoying the new given life that was in her arms. I really related to that experience and find strong similarities. One of my favorite things during the holidays was going as a family to see "The Dawn Treader" there were so many messages that resonated in my soul. I felt lifted but I can't tell you specfics. So I am planning on going again to write them down.
I was told that our belief system would change after you lose a child. That is true. I have had to walk through the valley of death where it is not well lit. It is lonely at times and hard to see and feel. No one can carry you; it is a struggle that I have had to do on my own. My belief system has come around full circle and has only gotten deeper. So with this past Christmas, I didn't send cards or share what is most important. I still believe in Christ! He lives, He is the Savior to all the world. His whole mission of coming to the earth was to break the bands of death so that we too can have the joy of the ressurrection. His atonement in the Garden of Gethsemane sured us a place in a perfect society. What a comfort it is to know that we will see our Natalee again.
At times it is hard for me to attend Church. I don't want to hear about others' miraculous healing, I hate hearing the word cancer. I am so sensiteive to a lot of subjects so that when I come home from Church, I feel like I have been beaten up. I still go but it is hard on me and sometimes I just can"t go
This Friday was an awesome day. Twelve of Natalee's friends came over after school. We talked, ate congo bars, watched the movie "The Spiderwick Chronicles" This was the second time we also had a get together at Halloween time. It felt so good to have my daughters friend around. I still have an open door policy. There are times when it is hard to see these kidsgrow up before me, but I can deal with it. Thank you for coming over it was priceless to me.
I have had such good friends contacting me since the new year. My daughter Janna went back to BYU so we are truly empty nester's. I don't like it at all. Thank you for watching over my well being and keeping me busy. Every day I read - exercise- and am trying to finish this afghan that I want to get done before my Granddaughter comes near February 11.
Natalee also has a facebook page which is easier to reply than this blog. Just type in her name and two will show up. The one that shows (community) is the most used. Thank you so much for you concerns and prayers.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
4 months today
Four months today, my Natalee past from this life, oh how hard this is to comprehend. Usually when I post a blog I wait for the time when I am more in control of my emotions. These past five days have been hard, I have missed Natalee so much it is all consuming. I will be sharing what is more raw and tender. It feels like I take two steps forward and then I will fall backwards. Sometimes the ground is so slippery that I slide backwards. There are days when I feel OK and it surprises me that I am fine, and then the next day I can be hit down so hard that I can't even hardly breathe. That is where I am at right now. It is still hard to believe that she is not here, and there will alway be a void in my life without her. Nothing can take away the aching loss of a child. Nothing.
Has life gotten better? Oh yes. There was a time when my whole day was consumed with anguish and tears. No actually weeks not days. I felt like I was unable to turn off the faucet to my emotions. Sometime when you get all wrapped up emotionally it is so consumming that it seems impossible to get out. You can't breathe; think; feel; or do anything. I was in this for 2 solid months and it is miserably horrible. I may slip in that mode but I am able to climb out. To let go so I am not consumed. Now I will cry for an hour or two than I am OK, and then I will fall apart again several times in the day. It usually takes about 5 days or so, but at least I can turn off the faucet, and that, I am grateful for.
There is one part of my walk through this horrible life that I want to share.. I am not comfortable to share this but I have several people that have told me that they have someone close to them that has lost a child and they have told them to read Natalee's blog. For anyone that has grieved so greatly that you can't ever imagine a way out from this hell, I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this. There is no way out of it, you have to go through it. Some will take months,others my take years. There is no patented answer except that you have to want to get out or you will not. When I was in this state of feeling so consumed that I felt I could not breathe, the hardest part was I couldn't feel. How could a God of love, take my beautiful daughter from me. The miserable struggle is when you don't feel that God loves you; it is such an empty, dark and hopeless feeling. I couldn't feel any sweetness of the spirit, I felt so alone, even though I had love ones around me. It is in that depth that is so scary, that all I can say to you is, don't give up. When all hope is lost and you don't care to even try, you've got to want to get better. I no longer feel that way, I feel like I am back home in my beliefs, my faith, and it feels good.
Some of the things that have helped me:
My Family: I am so grateful that my daughters stayed home this summer. Many days all we could do was watch a movie and just cuddle up under a blanket. My husband Kent has been and anchor, we all talked, cried, and laughed together. The most amazing part is going up to Nats grave site. We have literally sat up there for hours and just talked, it is so serene and sacred. If you don't have a family adopt one.
My Friends: just doing something to get you out of the house. My house is my refuge and my chamber. There were many times I didn't want to go, but I did. There were days I just couldn't. I am so grateful for all the hugs, the letters, the listening ear and not trying to give advice. I have gained so much wisdom in your words and kindness.
My Scriptures: Even when I felt so empty, I kept reading my scriptures and I kept praying. For a long time it was empty, but I didn't quit. For me Scriptures have alway been a passion so it was an escape. Every moring at 7: I still read to Natalee. I don't know if I would have had the strength to start something new, or stay focused, so for others this may not work. The main objective is to eventually feel the spirit. There are other ways like listening to uplifting music or speeches.
My journaling: I have never kept a journal faithfully till Nat was diagnosed with Cancer. It has been therapy for me. Once in a while a write a letter to my daughter to share how I feel. Sometime I ask her questions about what she is doing, what it is like there, my sorrows, my happy feelings, my good memories of her. This has been powerful for me.
Lastly remembering: When I could not see, feel, when I could not feel Gods love or his Spirit, when every memory of my daughter brought me to cry, making it hard to think about her. I had to dig deep and remembered the times when I felt His sweet spirit, the times in my life when I had peace that touched my heart and soul. I remember reading His words and knowing without a doubt that it was true. I remember so many times in my life when the Holy Spirit touched my spirit that gave me peace and understanding; a hope; a faith; a knowledge of truth. It was remembering these past feelings, when I could not feel that helped me want to see and feel again.
Knowing Natalee, would not be happy with me being in such a pathetic state. And she would not hesitate to tell me. She is still my hero, my strength, my example. Just remembering her strength, her courage, her will, her grace in how she handled her chemo and cancer has kept me going forward. I am still amazed by her.
I feel like I am off the boat and I was getting pretty sea sick, so I am glad to be on solid ground. Truthfully I have not missed a day that I have not cried over Natalee. But that is my normal life now. If you see me I will look normal, please don't be afraid to come up and talk or get a hug from me. I am OK. I am just trying to live with a new life, and a new normal.
Has life gotten better? Oh yes. There was a time when my whole day was consumed with anguish and tears. No actually weeks not days. I felt like I was unable to turn off the faucet to my emotions. Sometime when you get all wrapped up emotionally it is so consumming that it seems impossible to get out. You can't breathe; think; feel; or do anything. I was in this for 2 solid months and it is miserably horrible. I may slip in that mode but I am able to climb out. To let go so I am not consumed. Now I will cry for an hour or two than I am OK, and then I will fall apart again several times in the day. It usually takes about 5 days or so, but at least I can turn off the faucet, and that, I am grateful for.
There is one part of my walk through this horrible life that I want to share.. I am not comfortable to share this but I have several people that have told me that they have someone close to them that has lost a child and they have told them to read Natalee's blog. For anyone that has grieved so greatly that you can't ever imagine a way out from this hell, I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this. There is no way out of it, you have to go through it. Some will take months,others my take years. There is no patented answer except that you have to want to get out or you will not. When I was in this state of feeling so consumed that I felt I could not breathe, the hardest part was I couldn't feel. How could a God of love, take my beautiful daughter from me. The miserable struggle is when you don't feel that God loves you; it is such an empty, dark and hopeless feeling. I couldn't feel any sweetness of the spirit, I felt so alone, even though I had love ones around me. It is in that depth that is so scary, that all I can say to you is, don't give up. When all hope is lost and you don't care to even try, you've got to want to get better. I no longer feel that way, I feel like I am back home in my beliefs, my faith, and it feels good.
Some of the things that have helped me:
My Family: I am so grateful that my daughters stayed home this summer. Many days all we could do was watch a movie and just cuddle up under a blanket. My husband Kent has been and anchor, we all talked, cried, and laughed together. The most amazing part is going up to Nats grave site. We have literally sat up there for hours and just talked, it is so serene and sacred. If you don't have a family adopt one.
My Friends: just doing something to get you out of the house. My house is my refuge and my chamber. There were many times I didn't want to go, but I did. There were days I just couldn't. I am so grateful for all the hugs, the letters, the listening ear and not trying to give advice. I have gained so much wisdom in your words and kindness.
My Scriptures: Even when I felt so empty, I kept reading my scriptures and I kept praying. For a long time it was empty, but I didn't quit. For me Scriptures have alway been a passion so it was an escape. Every moring at 7: I still read to Natalee. I don't know if I would have had the strength to start something new, or stay focused, so for others this may not work. The main objective is to eventually feel the spirit. There are other ways like listening to uplifting music or speeches.
My journaling: I have never kept a journal faithfully till Nat was diagnosed with Cancer. It has been therapy for me. Once in a while a write a letter to my daughter to share how I feel. Sometime I ask her questions about what she is doing, what it is like there, my sorrows, my happy feelings, my good memories of her. This has been powerful for me.
Lastly remembering: When I could not see, feel, when I could not feel Gods love or his Spirit, when every memory of my daughter brought me to cry, making it hard to think about her. I had to dig deep and remembered the times when I felt His sweet spirit, the times in my life when I had peace that touched my heart and soul. I remember reading His words and knowing without a doubt that it was true. I remember so many times in my life when the Holy Spirit touched my spirit that gave me peace and understanding; a hope; a faith; a knowledge of truth. It was remembering these past feelings, when I could not feel that helped me want to see and feel again.
Knowing Natalee, would not be happy with me being in such a pathetic state. And she would not hesitate to tell me. She is still my hero, my strength, my example. Just remembering her strength, her courage, her will, her grace in how she handled her chemo and cancer has kept me going forward. I am still amazed by her.
I feel like I am off the boat and I was getting pretty sea sick, so I am glad to be on solid ground. Truthfully I have not missed a day that I have not cried over Natalee. But that is my normal life now. If you see me I will look normal, please don't be afraid to come up and talk or get a hug from me. I am OK. I am just trying to live with a new life, and a new normal.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Daydawn is breaking
Grief has kept me from writing this long time. I have attempted many times but words cannot justify what I have been going through.
Since I have used the boat as my parable, I will continue the same. After Natalee passed away, my grief became so great I felt swallowed up in a ragging storm at sea. Just fighting the swells of emotions I had no time to relax or laugh or feel peace. I felt like I was put in the hull of the boat, where the trap door was opened to let me in then shut closed. No light was able to penetrate to give warmth or to see. Since I could not see, doubt, fear, and a loss of hope was playing on my mind and my heart. Reading JOB (Old Testament) after loosing your child has totally changed my perspective of the book. He felt the same feelings that I have been going through. My sorrows escalted at Natalee's 2 month mark, to where I felt so consumed with grief. Job lost his 10 children all in one day; uncomprehendable! In chapter 6 he said " my grief was heavier than the sand of the sea... for the arrows of the Almighty are within me, the poison drinketh up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me. 7:4 When I lie down..the light be gone and I am full of tossing's to and fro..the day spend without hope..Later he expressed a doubt in the resurrection and questioned that there was life after the body was laid in the ground.
The beauty and hope in Job, is he did find his way out. I have alway told myself I will not allow this to ruin my life. It is not as easy as I thought. Actually since I had a full year to prepare for Natalee's passing I thought it would lessen the blows, plus the last 7 weeks were so painful and difficult for her it was a sweet release. But all that didnt matter when she is so greatly missed. I felt robbed from my little girl. It is hard to understand and all reason and logic was on the other side of that door. Now almost 3 months I feel like the trap door has been opened and I can feel the suns warmth and it feels good. I have felt a peace these past two days that I was craving for. Will it stay I dont know but it gives me an understanding that my life will not alway be in the storm.
"For tis sorrow that works our pondering, and grief that teaches us to feel" (auther unknown)
As I sat at Natalee's grave site on Sunday, I felt a renewed hope in Christ and of the Resurrection. Because he was able to break the bands of death, He has given that as a gift to us all. When I was 6 years old, I lost a brother (he was 9), then in 2003 I lost another brother and a sister. I never questiond that they went to a peaceful place. With Natalee things changed, I have worried about her happiness on the other side. With all her sisters and brother and parents still here, all together, I thought how she must be feeling, robbed of the spearation of her family. How it must be harder on her than us. Even though she is with my 3 siblings and other loved ones. Worring about her well-being has troubled me so much that I have stayed down in that hole miserably. I finally realized that my fears and worries were natural because it is what mothers do 'worry about their childrens happiness and safety' Instead of fighting, I am learning to 'let go' and again trust in Gods word and his eternal plan.
I would like to share a scripture that helped me get on the right perspective and that she is happy. It is in the Book of Mormon Alma 40:11-12 "Now, concerning that state of the soul between death and resurrection - Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, weather they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life. 12, And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradises, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow. (vs. 13 doesnt give a good account for those that are wicked) Alma 40, Alma 41, Alma 42 are excellent read just google it.
The poet Sennaca said "The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity"
Do I have answers for the toubled soul to find peace? I think we all have to find our own course but this I know you cant do it alone. I think the thing that help jolt me was when my son Ryan and his wife were coming up for a week. I was forced to get out of my pit to get things going for when they came. The Gonzalez family (who we don't really know) kindly offered their beach house. So I was pulled out of the pit and was able to relax and enjoy all of my family. Yes I thought about Natalee and quietly cried. But I didnt feel so absorbed. I have alway read the scriptures and it is a fabric of my life, that I have continued to do. I was mad at God, so I told him that for a while I was going to guit talking with him. OK I still prayed every day but my heart was not there. I am no longer mad at him and it feels good to be back on speaking terms. One of my highlights is several weeks ago at Church I had 10 of Natalees friends come up and each gave me a hug. We all cried, it was so powerful, it is the closest I can get to hugging Natalee. I was talking with Hannah and Riley on Sunday and they shared how all of Natalee's friend have gotten together this summer to share stories about her. It warms my heart that she is not forgotten by others. This brings me peace.
I have taken the trellis with a photo, up to her grave site. We are not ready to put up a marker; it is too final.
Since I have used the boat as my parable, I will continue the same. After Natalee passed away, my grief became so great I felt swallowed up in a ragging storm at sea. Just fighting the swells of emotions I had no time to relax or laugh or feel peace. I felt like I was put in the hull of the boat, where the trap door was opened to let me in then shut closed. No light was able to penetrate to give warmth or to see. Since I could not see, doubt, fear, and a loss of hope was playing on my mind and my heart. Reading JOB (Old Testament) after loosing your child has totally changed my perspective of the book. He felt the same feelings that I have been going through. My sorrows escalted at Natalee's 2 month mark, to where I felt so consumed with grief. Job lost his 10 children all in one day; uncomprehendable! In chapter 6 he said " my grief was heavier than the sand of the sea... for the arrows of the Almighty are within me, the poison drinketh up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me. 7:4 When I lie down..the light be gone and I am full of tossing's to and fro..the day spend without hope..Later he expressed a doubt in the resurrection and questioned that there was life after the body was laid in the ground.
The beauty and hope in Job, is he did find his way out. I have alway told myself I will not allow this to ruin my life. It is not as easy as I thought. Actually since I had a full year to prepare for Natalee's passing I thought it would lessen the blows, plus the last 7 weeks were so painful and difficult for her it was a sweet release. But all that didnt matter when she is so greatly missed. I felt robbed from my little girl. It is hard to understand and all reason and logic was on the other side of that door. Now almost 3 months I feel like the trap door has been opened and I can feel the suns warmth and it feels good. I have felt a peace these past two days that I was craving for. Will it stay I dont know but it gives me an understanding that my life will not alway be in the storm.
"For tis sorrow that works our pondering, and grief that teaches us to feel" (auther unknown)
As I sat at Natalee's grave site on Sunday, I felt a renewed hope in Christ and of the Resurrection. Because he was able to break the bands of death, He has given that as a gift to us all. When I was 6 years old, I lost a brother (he was 9), then in 2003 I lost another brother and a sister. I never questiond that they went to a peaceful place. With Natalee things changed, I have worried about her happiness on the other side. With all her sisters and brother and parents still here, all together, I thought how she must be feeling, robbed of the spearation of her family. How it must be harder on her than us. Even though she is with my 3 siblings and other loved ones. Worring about her well-being has troubled me so much that I have stayed down in that hole miserably. I finally realized that my fears and worries were natural because it is what mothers do 'worry about their childrens happiness and safety' Instead of fighting, I am learning to 'let go' and again trust in Gods word and his eternal plan.
I would like to share a scripture that helped me get on the right perspective and that she is happy. It is in the Book of Mormon Alma 40:11-12 "Now, concerning that state of the soul between death and resurrection - Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, weather they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life. 12, And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradises, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow. (vs. 13 doesnt give a good account for those that are wicked) Alma 40, Alma 41, Alma 42 are excellent read just google it.
The poet Sennaca said "The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity"
Do I have answers for the toubled soul to find peace? I think we all have to find our own course but this I know you cant do it alone. I think the thing that help jolt me was when my son Ryan and his wife were coming up for a week. I was forced to get out of my pit to get things going for when they came. The Gonzalez family (who we don't really know) kindly offered their beach house. So I was pulled out of the pit and was able to relax and enjoy all of my family. Yes I thought about Natalee and quietly cried. But I didnt feel so absorbed. I have alway read the scriptures and it is a fabric of my life, that I have continued to do. I was mad at God, so I told him that for a while I was going to guit talking with him. OK I still prayed every day but my heart was not there. I am no longer mad at him and it feels good to be back on speaking terms. One of my highlights is several weeks ago at Church I had 10 of Natalees friends come up and each gave me a hug. We all cried, it was so powerful, it is the closest I can get to hugging Natalee. I was talking with Hannah and Riley on Sunday and they shared how all of Natalee's friend have gotten together this summer to share stories about her. It warms my heart that she is not forgotten by others. This brings me peace.
I have taken the trellis with a photo, up to her grave site. We are not ready to put up a marker; it is too final.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
two months
I thought after two months, life would get a little easier. The fact is it has become worse. The reality of my Natalee passing is starting to hit harder and has become more consuming. I feel like I am the main character in 'Alice in Wonderland' when she fell in the hole; at times I don't know what is up or down. Just when I think I am starting to settle, I am turned upside down and everything falls apart. There are days where I can't hardly function without crying and every little thing can set me off. The only thing I can say to myself is I am going to get over this. I know that we will come out on top and not let it destroy us. Kent and the girls still have hard days, this is not just a mothers journey.
It is hard for me to go places, since Natalee wasnt able to do much, the one thing she loved to do was go grocery shopping with me. I would put her behind the shopping cart in her wheel chair, hooking her foot into the cart, then pull both. So when I go shopping it grieves me to not be taking her along. So many things remind me of her that I am constantly being reminded of her.
One thing I am so grateful for is my daughters. They are all home for the summer and just having them around fills a void that I know would be there. We actually have 4 children in college now and one of my fears is being an empty nester 5 years before my time. So my daughter Janna has taken an deferment from BYU this fall to stay home with me. Honestly when she told me of her plan I felt a relief. In a way she is mommy sitting me. Last year I had two daughters at home, this year was a drastic change.
Good change. Not getting out of the house much it has not been the healthiest for us all. So the girls and I went to Utah for a good friends wedding (our sons, sister-in-law). The one security was thinking that I was free from all the sympathy looks, cause not many would know us. Wrong, so many people came up to me and gave me a hug telling me that they had followed Natalee's blog. The hugs and well wishes felt really good, I was amazed of how far spread our life has been.
When I returned home I asked Kent to give me a Priesthood blessing. That has given me a lot of comfort. This last week was the first week where I have recalled some funny moments with our Natalee. One recollection was her last day, my good friend Stephanie and I were getting her situated on the recliner and she looked at me and said 'get the chickens out of here!' I had to reaffirm her comment to which we said we would. It was a day that I laughed and cried at the same time because she would say such unusual things. To me this is good because it has been hard to think of the memories of her without crying. I know being able to think of good memories will replace the sad thoughts, and in time will fill my life more with the good times.
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