TIME

I found that writing in the blog was therapy for me, so why haven't I written sooner. I haven't even gone on this blog since I last posted in July. Partly because not going into the world that is emotionally trying is easier to avoid than to travel through. So avoiding is the easy way out. I have noticed that I must be going through what they call the 'denial stage'. Actually how can it be a denial when in all reality I know Natalee is not here with us. But I have come to believe it is a numbness. In some ways I think our body and mind can only take so much, then it kicks into a numb mode and just doesn't absorb all the emotions. Part of me feels guilty (because my 1st year was all consuming, and that was my norm) I am not feeling the same way, then part of me feels OK (because I really do need the break) The positive side is; I can think more logical, and hear and feel. OK, you might ask why did I put the word hear; I needed God to talk to my heart and mind. That is how he communicates to us. If we only use our mind, we could analyze it too much and then disregard or talk ourselves out of it. We call that intellectualizing the problem. Using our heart only is dangerous, because our emotions can get us carried away into imaginations or negative thoughts that can be all consuming. Both are dangerous alone but together it brings us in harmony. I think the numbness helps me breathe, to think, to listen. For me it is my time to learn the whys, and remember the lessons I learned on Natalee's journey to go home. One thing for sure, not all my whys will be answered in this life time, but oh will the picture be clear when I see it all.
My first year after Natalee ended her life here, I really could not feel God with me. It bothered me to no end. While she was sick and on treatments, I (our whole family) felt carried and buoyed up, (by the healing powers in the Holy Spirit) then it was gone. Speaking only for myself on this I felt alone, abandoned, lost, and in anguish. Now I understand that my emotions got in the way, and that I wasn't abandoned, I just boxed up my heart where I could not feel, see, or hear. Anguish is the salt to the wound.
Time is the salve to our heart, if we allow it to be applied. (This also applies w/ repentance and forgiveness which also destroys our heart)
Since I can see clearer now, I have no doubt that Natalee is really, really happy. That is peace for me. She is growing and learning more than we can imagine. She is living in more of an Utopia state, without the confinement of our carnal body, that carries with it our temptations, habits, cravings that can bind us down. She is free from that and free from the pains she had with her cancer. She is a lucky little angel.
One of my Whys, was; why did she have to suffer? I remember asking God that question while she was sick. In my mind and heart He said: "So she will never forget" You can't forget pain, it keeps you grounded. In other words, remembering her pain, will able her to have compassion for others that might be struggling; patience to carry them through, and the right words to help. Our Stake President at the time gave Natalee a profound blessing, Pres. Harris said; "because of your experience here, you will be able to touch people that no one else can." I believe she is. Natalee always had a way of connecting with people. Can you imagine some of the children that have died, confused, lost, unloved, and from sickness, she has a better insight because of her experiences here? She is doing amazing things still.
Oh I miss you Sweet Natalee.