13 months

Wow each month I wanted to write but just could not. From March on, each month has had something significant that seemed to knock me down and I felt I couldn't get enough oxygen to breathe. March was Natalees 14th birthday. It was pure agony knowing she is not here for her special occasion. When there is an event it tears my heart for weeks beforehand. My emotions for week would build up and then climax's on the day. Her birthday was the hardest thing for me. Nat's b'day is March 20, which is also the kick off of spring break; another heart breaker. I just wanted to stay inside so I could not hear, see or know that there were children out there having fun together. It still is crappy that my little girl is not longer able to hang out with her friends. The end of spring break, I finally went to see my parents in Eastern Oregon. ..The end of March is also my b'day; another emotional time. If I had my way I would get rid of that month forever!
April was a bitter-sweet time we went down to Utah for my sons graduation from BYU (masters in Accounting) That same weekend also was Easter, and my first granddaughter was blessed by her father. Being together with the whole family plus my sons in-laws was sweet, but once in a while the emotions got the better of me. It was like a roller coaster up and down.
May -Mothers day; hated it.
June 7th - one year since Natalee passed away. Some days it still is not real to me and some days it is so raw that I have a hard time breathing (literally).
You know the saying 'time heals all wounds'; not yet. The one year mark has improved, I can now take short glances of Natalee's pictures-I will still cry but its OK. Its still hard for me to see a school bus, but I now can drive by the schools. I avoided those buildings for over 6 months and if I even knew they were near I would cry hysterically. I stayed inside when I knew that kids were coming home from school. That is something I still have a hard time with.
The hardest thing for me is that I am now an empty Nester. Being thrown into that situation 5 years before my time is total injustice. When Janna left in January to go back to college. I felt lost, empty, and depressed and could not sleep and started having anxiety, (mind you all my children are far away). Now Nicole is home for the summer it is such a blessing to have her here. Britanee is graduating in one week from BYU-I. And I am so happy that she is has no money, because she has to come home and live with us till she can find a job and financially get on her feet. I know some of you may think that sounds crazy. But to me that is the greatest!
I laugh more, and even at times I can remember something funny about Natalee. For example yesterday I saw a person in a wheelchair. I started to cry, Natalee spent a lot of time in one and it hit me hard. Then I remembered how she loved to go to the grocery store with me. That was her way of getting out. ( The quirky thing with her is she loved the food channel and loved shopping for food but she had a hard time eating it.) Anyway the wheelchair, she loved chasing me with her wheelchair and we would laugh and laugh. It brought back wonderful memories of my funny little girl who knew how to laugh when the world around her was crumbling. I still am in wonder how she handled her crisis. My little hero.