June 7, 2015
Today marked 5 years since our sweet Natalee passed from this life. I still see her as a 13 year old. so it's hard to beleive all her friends are now 18 and graduting this weekend. I really really thought I was going to be strong and attend some of her friends graduation party's. But as the day continued my emotions escallated to where I couldnt stop crying. So I'm sorry that I didn't make it, but your party is about you not Natalees mom blubbering. Can I say to all of you how I am so proud that you have come this far. congratulations! For Natalee's classmates, their graduation was on the same date of her passing.(ironic) So in way's I could look at it as she graduated five years earlier to the other side and is learning and progressing, having experiences that I dont comprehend but I do know she is still existing just without a body. So yes ironically all her classmates got to graduate on her special (my crappy) day- pretty cool.
Some of you might be curious to how life is for those who loose a child at the 5 year mark. I still cry at times, I still hurt, I miss her deeply, a big bottomless pit. There are times when something will hit me hard and I will go somewhere privately to cry; 5 minutes later I go on as if nothing had just happened.
Its ok to talk about Nat to me I know at times people want to avoid bringing her up, hey news flash she is and will alway be right on the surface of my mind and heart. Just as I love talking about my other children the same goes for Natalee. I am speaking for myself, I'm sure that there are those at the five year mark that might not be able to deal with it yet. It doesn't make them different its just we need to process it.
Religious corner:
Some might not want to read the preacher side of me so this is for those of intrest. My big turning point. It had been tradition on significant dates - we go to the temple and then to the cemetery. I feel it makes it more complete. So on Natalee's birthday I went to the Temple. Most people will tell you that there is such a powerful peace that you can get while you attend the Temple. But since Natalee's passing I have not felt the peace I have been yearning for. Not till March 20, 2015.... I had several emotional days building up to her birthday and was an emotional wreck. But I went anyway. When I went into the celestial room, and I spent some time praying to God and also talking with Natalee. The Holy Spirit just filled my soul, I had such a powerful, enlightning experience. It was like a spirtiual flood that went through me and just calmed my trouble soul. I felt that I finally reached the point that I got that peace that surpasses all understanding. And that day I had finally accepted that God called Natalee home. Yes it wrecked her family, her friends. But I know she is happy and in Gods care. It doesn't meam that I hurt less,or will cry less it's just that it no longer stings.
I am grateful for prayer, scriptures, temples, and the Holy Spirit, without these being a part of my life I know I would be in a different place on this journery.
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2 comments:
Thank you for sharing your heart in your post. I know it has been over 3 years since you wrote it, but it helped me tonight as I grieve the loss of my own daughter, just four months ago. I stumbled upon your blog from that of a friend -- the Pena family. I'm a firm believer that there are no accidents, only miracles, so I truly believe I was meant to find this entry and feel hope and comfort knowing that even after 5 years, grief does not leave, but it does get easier to bear. Thank you for giving me this comfort tonight.
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