two months

I thought after two months, life would get a little easier. The fact is it has become worse. The reality of my Natalee passing is starting to hit harder and has become more consuming. I feel like I am the main character in 'Alice in Wonderland' when she fell in the hole; at times I don't know what is up or down. Just when I think I am starting to settle, I am turned upside down and everything falls apart. There are days where I can't hardly function without crying and every little thing can set me off. The only thing I can say to myself is I am going to get over this. I know that we will come out on top and not let it destroy us. Kent and the girls still have hard days, this is not just a mothers journey.

It is hard for me to go places, since Natalee wasnt able to do much, the one thing she loved to do was go grocery shopping with me. I would put her behind the shopping cart in her wheel chair, hooking her foot into the cart, then pull both. So when I go shopping it grieves me to not be taking her along. So many things remind me of her that I am constantly being reminded of her.

One thing I am so grateful for is my daughters. They are all home for the summer and just having them around fills a void that I know would be there. We actually have 4 children in college now and one of my fears is being an empty nester 5 years before my time. So my daughter Janna has taken an deferment from BYU this fall to stay home with me. Honestly when she told me of her plan I felt a relief. In a way she is mommy sitting me. Last year I had two daughters at home, this year was a drastic change.

Good change. Not getting out of the house much it has not been the healthiest for us all. So the girls and I went to Utah for a good friends wedding (our sons, sister-in-law). The one security was thinking that I was free from all the sympathy looks, cause not many would know us. Wrong, so many people came up to me and gave me a hug telling me that they had followed Natalee's blog. The hugs and well wishes felt really good, I was amazed of how far spread our life has been.

When I returned home I asked Kent to give me a Priesthood blessing. That has given me a lot of comfort. This last week was the first week where I have recalled some funny moments with our Natalee. One recollection was her last day, my good friend Stephanie and I were getting her situated on the recliner and she looked at me and said 'get the chickens out of here!' I had to reaffirm her comment to which we said we would. It was a day that I laughed and cried at the same time because she would say such unusual things. To me this is good because it has been hard to think of the memories of her without crying. I know being able to think of good memories will replace the sad thoughts, and in time will fill my life more with the good times.