4 months today

Four months today, my Natalee past from this life, oh how hard this is to comprehend. Usually when I post a blog I wait for the time when I am more in control of my emotions. These past five days have been hard, I have missed Natalee so much it is all consuming. I will be sharing what is more raw and tender. It feels like I take two steps forward and then I will fall backwards. Sometimes the ground is so slippery that I slide backwards. There are days when I feel OK and it surprises me that I am fine, and then the next day I can be hit down so hard that I can't even hardly breathe. That is where I am at right now. It is still hard to believe that she is not here, and there will alway be a void in my life without her. Nothing can take away the aching loss of a child. Nothing.
Has life gotten better? Oh yes. There was a time when my whole day was consumed with anguish and tears. No actually weeks not days. I felt like I was unable to turn off the faucet to my emotions. Sometime when you get all wrapped up emotionally it is so consumming that it seems impossible to get out. You can't breathe; think; feel; or do anything. I was in this for 2 solid months and it is miserably horrible. I may slip in that mode but I am able to climb out. To let go so I am not consumed. Now I will cry for an hour or two than I am OK, and then I will fall apart again several times in the day. It usually takes about 5 days or so, but at least I can turn off the faucet, and that, I am grateful for.
There is one part of my walk through this horrible life that I want to share.. I am not comfortable to share this but I have several people that have told me that they have someone close to them that has lost a child and they have told them to read Natalee's blog. For anyone that has grieved so greatly that you can't ever imagine a way out from this hell, I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this. There is no way out of it, you have to go through it. Some will take months,others my take years. There is no patented answer except that you have to want to get out or you will not. When I was in this state of feeling so consumed that I felt I could not breathe, the hardest part was I couldn't feel. How could a God of love, take my beautiful daughter from me. The miserable struggle is when you don't feel that God loves you; it is such an empty, dark and hopeless feeling. I couldn't feel any sweetness of the spirit, I felt so alone, even though I had love ones around me. It is in that depth that is so scary, that all I can say to you is, don't give up. When all hope is lost and you don't care to even try, you've got to want to get better. I no longer feel that way, I feel like I am back home in my beliefs, my faith, and it feels good.
Some of the things that have helped me:
My Family: I am so grateful that my daughters stayed home this summer. Many days all we could do was watch a movie and just cuddle up under a blanket. My husband Kent has been and anchor, we all talked, cried, and laughed together. The most amazing part is going up to Nats grave site. We have literally sat up there for hours and just talked, it is so serene and sacred. If you don't have a family adopt one.
My Friends: just doing something to get you out of the house. My house is my refuge and my chamber. There were many times I didn't want to go, but I did. There were days I just couldn't. I am so grateful for all the hugs, the letters, the listening ear and not trying to give advice. I have gained so much wisdom in your words and kindness.
My Scriptures: Even when I felt so empty, I kept reading my scriptures and I kept praying. For a long time it was empty, but I didn't quit. For me Scriptures have alway been a passion so it was an escape. Every moring at 7: I still read to Natalee. I don't know if I would have had the strength to start something new, or stay focused, so for others this may not work. The main objective is to eventually feel the spirit. There are other ways like listening to uplifting music or speeches.
My journaling: I have never kept a journal faithfully till Nat was diagnosed with Cancer. It has been therapy for me. Once in a while a write a letter to my daughter to share how I feel. Sometime I ask her questions about what she is doing, what it is like there, my sorrows, my happy feelings, my good memories of her. This has been powerful for me.
Lastly remembering: When I could not see, feel, when I could not feel Gods love or his Spirit, when every memory of my daughter brought me to cry, making it hard to think about her. I had to dig deep and remembered the times when I felt His sweet spirit, the times in my life when I had peace that touched my heart and soul. I remember reading His words and knowing without a doubt that it was true. I remember so many times in my life when the Holy Spirit touched my spirit that gave me peace and understanding; a hope; a faith; a knowledge of truth. It was remembering these past feelings, when I could not feel that helped me want to see and feel again.
Knowing Natalee, would not be happy with me being in such a pathetic state. And she would not hesitate to tell me. She is still my hero, my strength, my example. Just remembering her strength, her courage, her will, her grace in how she handled her chemo and cancer has kept me going forward. I am still amazed by her.
I feel like I am off the boat and I was getting pretty sea sick, so I am glad to be on solid ground. Truthfully I have not missed a day that I have not cried over Natalee. But that is my normal life now. If you see me I will look normal, please don't be afraid to come up and talk or get a hug from me. I am OK. I am just trying to live with a new life, and a new normal.