Thursday, April 29, 2010

Natalee is having a hard time

One of the opportunities of our human existence, is we are given, 'pen in hand' to write our own story of life. Sometimes without our control another author steps in to write on the pages of our history. This past year Natalee has had to let others do just that. As her mother, I have been so proud with how she has gracefully handled this chapter in her life.

I feel she is starting a new chapter. One that began with some wonderful experiences. Natalee was able to go two times in the month of March and stay at a beach house with some of her friends. This was the highlight of this past year. Looking back at this time, I now know it was a time of tender mercies where she felt good. It was a delightful time to warm her heart and soul. I am so grateful for that time and feel we were blessed.



Natalee has made a turn for the worse. Since December her tumors have been growing and she has new tumors. We don't know if this is her final chapter or if it is going to be the worse chapter of her life. In our meeting last week with the doctors, we were told it is time to quit using chemo. The tumors have learned to resist the drugs. From the beginning there was some information that we chose to withhold from Natalee and our readers. Back in May 2009, our first meeting with the Doctor, we were told that she had 5 months to live with a 10% chance to survive. We have only shared the information about the larger tumors, but she has always had clusters of tiny fibrous tumors in her lungs that number in the hundreds. That is horrible news when you are trying to fill your heart and soul with hope.



Natalee just doesn't feel good. Her body aches constantly, she has a hard time breathing and spends most of her time in bed or on the recliner. Today we are getting an oxygen machine ( it is a machine that makes its own oxygen) delivered to help her breathe better. I want you to know about this so if anyone wants to come over to see Natalee you wont be surprised. The one magical thing that really brightens her spirits, is when a friend comes over to hang out with her. (bring a movie to watch) There is such a change in her and I want to thank those that have remembered my sweetheart.



Currently we asked to stay on this new drug Afinitor and had the dosage increased to the adult level. Next week she will have her scans and we will decided what the next step is. We have not given up, but we have had to change our perspective.



Have I stopped believing in miracles? Miracles are all around us, every breath we take with our amazing, complicated human body is a miraculous gift. When I see a soul that has been broken, lost, where the clouds of darkness encompasses their lives, and then find a ray of light, of hope,that is a great miracle. I have thought about how I was told that she would be a miracle. I knew that she was going to be healed; miracles are attached to those words. I want your to know that I had to go down to the depths and question, is all that I have read and learned in the Holy Scriptures really true or is it just stories that was passed from generation to generation. Is it a myth or is it the living waters, springing from a well of hope. I had to wrestle to find the well of living waters, and I have drank from its sweet cup. I know that they are really His Words. There is only one person that has ever been recorded in the antiquities (historical writings) that was prophesied for centuries to come as a Savior of the world. He came to earth; lived a pure life. Just before he was crucified, he went into the Garden of Gethsemane and made an atonement for all mankind. Meaning he took all our burdens, our sins and sufferings, this account shares that he bleed from every pore for so painful was the event. Matthew 26:36-44. It is only He, Christ (meaning the anointed one) who had the power three days after his death to resurrect himself. Because he was able to do that, it opened the door for all of us to be resurrected. Meaning after we die our body and our spirit will be reunited again. Now that is the greatest miracle of all. I believe families are forever and that gives me eternal hope. I cant miss sharing the beautiful words of John 1 " In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God...And all things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.... And the word was made flesh, and dwelt among us (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father) full of grace and truth." Only they, who want to feel his light and not allow sorrow and darkness to get in the way, will be able to feel and see. I think darkness is when you become angry, hurt, consumed with fear, mislead, confused, have went against Gods laws, it gets in the way of seeing the greater picture. Hope is lost, Faith is lost, and no longer can you feel Charity ( the pure love of Christ)

13 comments:

An old friend(: said...

Dear Natalee,
I believe in you. I haven't read this for a while. It just doesn't even cross my mind. At all. And I think my life is hard just to get seven sets of Cornell notes a night. But when I read this, I didn't even realize how bAd it is. So all I'm asking, just don't start finishing yyour chapter. Please.

Unknown said...

Natalee~
We all love you! Please stay strong! We know you have it in you-you will be that 90%! You are a strong girl and eveyone thinks about you. We tyalk about you at school, how we miss you and everything! Youa re always in our hearts and thoughts and you will forever be. If this is the wrost chapter in your life, so be it. Remember it as the time of hope and miracles. And if it is your final, everyone will remember it as a chapter of love everyone shared and the time everyone came together for you. WE ALL LOVE YOU NATALEE! <3
-Courtney T

Elizabeth said...

We think about you and pray for your family all the time.

Unknown said...

Natalee and family:

I am sending my love and thousands of angels to surround you with their strength and comfort right now. God is in the center of this experience and is taking care of everything in perfect divine order. You are very, very loved.

Susan Vargo

Brianna said...

Hi Sherri and Natalee. I am thinking about you everyday. I know that you are stronger than many people and you will be able to get through this. Thank you Sherri for letting Ally and I came over those times to see a movie or just to hang out with Natalee and I know there will be many more.
Much Love <3,
Brianna Smythe

Shannon said...

Dear Natalee,
If this is the hardest chapter in your life, remember- WE ALL LOVE YOU! You are an amazing friend and should be proud of how strong you are being. Hang ON! We will help you to keep on the path of hope and faith. Remember when we were little, you were, and are, a role model to everyone who surrounds you. I look forward to seeing you this week and hope that you will just keep holding on to every little piece of faith and hope that we have. I am fasting and praying for you! I love you very much and wish that this chapter will have a happy ending.

Your friend,
Shannon

Janice said...

you probably don't remember us since we've been out of your ward for 14 years, but we have been following your story because we know and love your family. Our thoughts and prayers are with all of you and we too hope and believe in miracles. We also believe in a loving Heavenly Father who knows best and takes care of all, even through the hardest chapters. Hang in there!

The Richardsons

Sarah Beal said...

Natalee I remember when you were born and came home from the hospital we were all so thrilled and loved you so much! Now to be reading this it breaks my heart. I am praying for you and your family right now. We love you all so much.
Sarah Beal

Anonymous said...

Prayers from the Kalvelage/Kosmecki family. You are a blessing! Much love to you!

xxmadi21 said...

Natalee...

I dont know if you remember me but I certainly remember you....

I really want to see you or at least talk to you, if your up to it.
I miss you so much and I think about you all the time.
-Madison Prehn

Darby Graziano said...

Natalee,
I to remember when you were born and your mom waddling around McKay with you in her tummy! You and your family is in our thoughts and prayers. Give your mom a special hug from me.
"For I know the plans I have for you and not to haerm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Love, Darby...Mrs. Graziano...Miss Maydole : )

Cathy said...

We pray for you all the time, Natalee. we beleive in Christ and the miracles he can perform. We are praying for a miracle!

The Mohs-Taylor Dayz said...

Hi Aunt Sheri & Nicole......Just want you to know I'm thnking about you all the time. Love to you guys!